Love and Hugs from Landen

My past few posts have been focused on Graden's journey. I have touched upon Landen's empathy for his little brother, but I am not sure my words give his heart justice.


Today is Landen's last day of school... his last day of Kindergarten. Not only am I proud of how far Landen has come this year academically and socially, but I am amazed at the little man he continues to become. I'm sure I've told some of you before, but this kid - this 6 1/2 year old boy - has more compassion than most adults I know, which sometimes includes his parents.


Every week day, for the past 9 months, Landen has come home from school, jumped off the bus, ran to the mailbox, and walked in the front door to hear Graden anxiously awaiting him. "How was your day?" Graden would ask, and Landen would reply with a detailed account of his activities, usually consisting of a kickball game with "big kids" at recess, a really fun lunch (like pancakes), a field trip, or a new song. On special days (holidays or history or science lessons), Landen and Graden would get so wrapped up in conversation, they would end up walking around the house discussing how Obama is our President's name or how Honey Bees have big eyes. I think Landen enjoyed this interaction as much as Graden did, and I had to wait my turn to find out if he had a good day and "got green" (which was usually the case) or if he had homework. Most of the time, though, I didn't get a turn, because, eventually, Graden asked Landen those questions, too.


Now, as Graden naps and rests up for his day tomorrow, I wait for Landen to come home off the bus for the last time this school year. My son, my little friend, is moving on to 1st grade. I never liked the saying "time flies," and it drove me crazy when people told me after Landen was born that it would "go so fast." But, now I know. Time does fly. They do grow up so fast. 

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I can honestly say that I sat and cried at one point in the afternoon, because I just didn't know what to do next. I haven't felt that way in a long time, but there are just some days when I worry myself sick... and it wasn't just about Graden. I was quiet the entire evening, calming myself down, reassuring myself that "this too would pass"... Not too long before dinner (only a couple hours after he had been home to witness my "mood"), Landen walked slowly towards me. When our eyes met, I knew this little man of mine knew I was upset. I didn't say anything and he didn't have to, either. Instead of walking away or asking me a question, he said, "Can I hug you, Mom? Do you need a hug?" Even typing it, I lose my words, my thoughts, and tears begin to form. All I could do was nod. Of course I needed a hug. His hug.


"You give the best hugs," I told him, to which he replied, "I know" and I had to giggle. I could feel the weights lifting from my shoulders and the stress drifting away. It was as if his hug brought me back to... me? I don't know. I just know it felt good and made me more proud of his ability to empathize at such a young age -- and he's been that way since he was little. He is so observant of others' emotions. He knows what to say and when to say it. He knows his Momma is a worrier, a fixer, and a stresser. But, he loves me anyway and knows when I needed to be reminded of that love. I am so very thankful for him.

Mother to Son

BY LANGSTON HUGHES

Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor—

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

Where there ain’t been no light.

So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down on the steps

’Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.

Don’t you fall now—

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’,

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

Do you remember...

the Tasmanian Devil cartoons? Refresh your memory here. You laugh, do you? Well, that is how I have felt the past few weeks. I'm telling you, I move as fast as that little guy. Shoot, I may even make some of the same noises. Ha!

This week will be no different. I've made a new to-do list to keep occupied until Wednesday morning... when we take Grado to the hospital for all his MRIs. I'm not looking forward to it. All I can think about is how he goes limp from the anesthesia, his breathing becomes slow and shallow - to the point where I want to place my hand on his chest to make sure it is rising and falling, and how he wakes up in a panic. No parent is ever ready to witness their child in this state, and I'm not sure that even having done it before makes it any better... It might even make it worse. 


Last week was our first week home together - just the two of us: Grado and Mommy. He was so good! We went shopping with Aunt Kelly and Camden for "vacation stuff," which meant Mommy and Aunt Kel were shopping for fun Jamaica swimsuits, sunglasses, bags, and dresses. Grado never complained. Instead, he offered his opinion when necessary:  "That's cute, Aunt Kelly. Buy it!"  We went to lunch one day... Graden's favorite: Chips and Salsa. We went to the library. We went to Target. We bought groceries. Again, never once did he complain. He continued to offer his advice while smiling the whole week. 


We're home again this week. Landen has two more days of school and will be spending his first day of summer break at Papaw's house since we will be with Grado for his tests. Landen is a good, big brother though and hasn't complained either. 

Now, let me publicly state my apologies to my closest friends who may believe I may have fallen into a well with no hopes of returning... I have played more "phone tag" and left longer voicemails than usual (if that's possible, right Jen?) in the past month than I have ever. For that, I am sorry... I'm on it and will be in touch soon. Love to you ladies... you know who you are!


So, although, I'm running around like Taz, I'm one lucky Momma to have these two boys (and amazing, patient, and understanding friends) along on this ride.


Here's wishing you a great Monday and promising updates after Wednesday...

Graden's Day

Today started, like any other, with me dropping the boys off at school. Landen has 8 days left and is really looking forward to the 4 day weekend (we told him it would be warm enough for the sprinkler). Graden, however, wasn't so sure he wanted to go today. After reminding him that today was his last day with his "Busy Bees," he said that if he just "didn't go" that it couldn't be his "last day." So, he wanted to stay home. He was so serious that I had to fight to keep the tears inside... I talked him in to going anyway, and, after dropping him off, I knew he would have a great day!

I went to IPFW and had an awesome catch-up/brainstorming session with a co-teacher; she is always so supportive and encouraging. I love bouncing ideas back and forth. Not to mention, today we actually got "off track" and enjoyed some good adult conversation. :) When I left her to pick up Graden, I was feeling "nerdily-happy." 

Graden's class was eating popsicles and giving hugs. I loved watching them interact. His group was, by far, one of my favorite group of kids that either of the boys have ever been a part of... and don't even get me started on his teacher and assistant --- amazing!

Needless to say, he was said to say goodbye, and we both walked out with smiles and tears. What better way to keep smiles going? Food. We stuffed ourselves on a lunch date and giggled the entire time. I am telling you -- I love that kid.

After lunch, we went to what we both thought was a simple "follow-up" appointment with his Neurologist. Simple it was not. Although she is happy we haven't taken steps backwards with his new seizure medication, she does have concerns about the potential growth in the defect in the bottom/back of his brain... by his spine.

I must have looked like she punched me in the stomach, because she sat down and calmly told me not to worry - yet. In two weeks, Graden will be going to the hospital for another series of MRIs that will include "new angles" that they haven't reviewed before (our previous doctor should have done them) and our doctor is being proactive by ordering even more than usual for this type of defect. Fine by me! Ideally, we need the defect to grow at the same pace/size as Graden's brain/body; otherwise, there is the possibility for complications... not just side-effects (headaches, pain, and such), but other "complications." Let's just leave it at that... I'm sure you can imagine when I say "brain" and "defect" and "spine" in the same post.

So, we wait. Again. Have I mentioned how NOT GOOD I am at waiting. And, it's not just because I want answers. Truthfully, with the way Graden's journey has gone, it is because of the possibility of other things happening during that time. Things I can't control. Things the doctors can't foresee. So, we wait. Two weeks. 14 days. Too many hours for me to even type.

Luckily, no thankfully, we did get the okay to keep taking the new medicine. She won't order another EEG unless we have issues, concerns, or changes in his behavior. Until then, we take the medicine twice daily and pray it helps control the "mini-seizure" activity he has; we will have another EEG in a year or so. I can handle that for now.

Of course, I knew this was coming. She told me fair and square at our last appointment that his journey was not over. It will be a ride, but some days, I want to take my Grado's hand and hop off for snack break. :) Today was one of those days. 

Something to smile about? Graden told the doctor one of his "knock knock" jokes to which she replied that he was certainly her funniest patient. :) My comedian he will always be...

A Good Grado Morning...

Graden: "Mom."
Me: "Yea, honey?"
Graden: "What?" 
Me: "You called my name. What's wrong?"
Graden: "Mom, I just said 'mom' but I wasn't asking for you."
Me: "Oh. Well okay. Sorry."
Graden: "It's alright, Mom. You were confused. Accidents happen."


:) And so my morning begins with the chocolate-covered face (Yes, I let him eat a chocolate Pop-Tart for breakfast today), big blue eyes, and a new buzz cut that makes my little boy look like the little kid I am not ready for him to become. 


He's so comical. Everyday it's something new. Like yesterday, he ran out of the bathroom, so I asked him if he flushed or washed his hands. Graden's astonished reply, "How did you know that?" I paused for a moment wondering if I should tell him the secrets to my mysterious ways (um, I didn't hear a flush or water running) or if I should play along with his surprised mind. "Moms know these things." Ha! I couldn't resist. He smiled at me, with hands on hips, stared straight into my eyes for a whole minute, and finally gave a brief "hmpf" before sauntering back to the bathroom. 


Now, as I walk around the house, picking up laundry, making beds, putting dishes away, preparing the bills I've ignored all week, and organizing my books for a day of work, I hear the boys playing the Wii. L is trying to teach G a thing or two about golf. I really should record the "good job, buddy" coming from L to G, who is - by far - the best big brother I have ever encountered, but I don't want to steal from "their time." Of course it's not all serious and loving; in fact, there is a heated competition going on... G keeps calling them boo-geys and L is trying to (very patiently) explain they are bo-geys. :) Never a dull moment around here.


The past few weeks have been crazy as I wrap the semester up. I can't believe my first semester of teaching and grad school has come and *almost* gone. (Two weeks left!) It has been everything I wanted it to be and then some. Honestly, this will go down as one of my best (favorite) semesters. I've gotten to know some of my co-teachers, classmates, and professors better, I successfully presented at my first teaching conference, I won an award for my department, I read a story I wrote about Graden at a Student Reading (this was a HUGE accomplishment for me on a personal level), and I had a great group of students in  my first class. I couldn't be luckier. Honestly, I had to overcome some hurdles, too. It's never easy with kids, but especially not with my kids. Landen missed several days of school with allergies/asthma and such (we think he's developing more), and, clearly, our journey with Grado is an ongoing ride. Still, we (not just me) keep going. We make it work. And, I *finally* feel like I am doing what I have waited to do. It is an amazing feeling. 


Of course, I still have projects. Goodness knows I love to keep busy, and somehow, it works for me. I am still keeping my promise to Grado, though -- Never too busy to play. So, off I go for a "Wii break" -- I'll show these boys who's boss. (In a friendly, educational way, of course.) 

Never enough...

Never enough time.
It's amazing to me how so much time can pass between my posts. Last month, while I remembered to blog, I chose to journal instead. I needed to write -- physically write. There is, quite simply, never enough time for me to get caught up, but I needed to get my thoughts on paper. 

Maybe it is a problem with my priorities.
As many of you know, my youngest has had an interesting journey. During the past four years of his life (mind you, he is four), he has had surgeries, hospital visits and stays, appointments, tests of all kinds, rides in the ambulance, medications, scares, and struggles. Through it all, though, he has managed to be our support system. Amazing how he can make us laugh when he is the one fighting. 

Recently, he has been an emotional roller coaster. The doctor said he may be because of the new medicine we are trying, which has several possible side effects. Yes, yes, it could always be worse,  but, as his Momma, I hate (did you hear the disdain in my voice?) watching him going through yet another obstacle -- and we aren't even sure it will work. 

Of course, it's never easy.
To make a long story short, G has brain defects: two to be exact. One is minor and will hopefully stay that way. It's brain tissue (cells of sorts) that are extending past his skull and resting along his spine. Worst case scenario: brain surgery. We are trying to keep this one in the backs of our minds (no pun intended), because Doc says it should "grow proportionately" with G's brain. If it does, it can stay there. If it doesn't, we'll notice a change in attention, balance, and possibly headaches. We wait on this one. Pray daily and wait.

The second defect is much more challenging. To spare you the medical history of how it got there (while he was a fetus), I will tell you in my terms: he has "extra brain cells" that didn't make it to the outside tissue of the lobes of his brain like it was supposed to while he was a fetus. So, he has "Heterotopia" - also know as Gray Matter Heterotopia. If you want the medical explanation, click here. (It's Wikipedia, but it is easy to understand.) Basically, this "gray matter" (extra cells) are "misfiring" and causing seizures. 

As of February 17th, we now know that G has had even more abnormal activity than we originally thought. After a sleep-deprived EEG, we learned he has been having several series of "mini-seizures." These mini-seizures go unnoticed to us. We cannot see them. The problem becomes that these mini-seizures (also known as "absence" seizures) can lead to full-blown seizures (tonic-clonic). Thus, the start of new medication. 

As his Momma, it has been excruciatingly difficult to know that I can't see or don't know when he is having these "mini-seizures." A Mom should know these things.

The good news is the potential for G to grown out of the "mini-seizure" with the help of the medicine. However, the bad news is that we're approaching the "most critical years." Apparently, your brain grows more or changes between the ages of 6-7? (Or, something goes on with your brain during that time that the Doc is worried about.) Clearly, I am NO doctor. :)

Now, we wait. We watch. We laugh. We worry. Laugh some more. And, we love him. Every single day. What else can we do? He has no clue of the dangers, side-effects, or stress. He knows he goes tot he doctor a lot. He knows he has a "big, smart brain" that she checks on to make sure it's working right. :) And, for now, that is exactly what I want him to know. We take the meds for 2 weeks, off and on, and check back in the Doc. Then, we visit again in May. She assures us this is the easiest of seizure meds on his liver and other vital organs. Talk about testing your faith. 

Through it all, I try to live each day like "normal," whatever that is. I try to be the tough Momma my boys need me to be, but not a second goes by when I don't realize how precious time is, how much I appreciate G being able to communicate with me, and how hard he fights even though he "looks" normal.

So, never enough time? Maybe.
But, these days (and most days before today), G (and L) comes first. So, if I run out of time in my day to post to my blog, reply to emails, grade papers, read a chapter, do laundry, wash the dishes, return texts or phone calls, or even pay the bills, because I was too busy playing with G, I know that the people closest to me understand. And, really, what else matters?

I don't know what the future holds, but I never, EVER want to look back and say, "Oh, I wish I spent more time with my boys." 

News from the Past

Last night, I received bad news. Of course, no one ever likes to hear bad news, but this was something that made me have to sit down. I wasn't prepared. (Are we ever prepared?) I wasn't prepared to feel sadly about someone from my past, someone I barely know anymore, but I did. I felt awkward, unsure of how I was supposed to react. Was I supposed to be sad briefly, like I would be for any passing stranger who told me their loved one was very sick? Shocked or sickened like I would be reading about it on the news? My gut told me otherwise. My heart found the feelings that I felt so long ago; the feelings that I had shut out.

I've heard many people say that illness, struggles, even death, brings family closer. I'm not asking for that. Instead, I think this news made me stop.... made me deal with a part of my life that I had moved past... made me remember things I had forgotten. Is it a time for forgiveness? I don't know. It sounds like the right thing to do, but I don't need that. I've already moved on. Forgiven but not forgotten. What I need is to know how I handle the decisions I made so long ago. The blame and hurt is so old that it's gone. What is left?

I knew this day would come: the day I had to make difficult decisions involving my past. What I didn't expect was for it to come so soon, to catch me off guard, and to make me feel like I needed to "do the right thing..." (whatever that is).

So, here I am, feeling awkward, confused, and sad about someone I barely know anymore but am connected to in ways that cannot be ignored. I don't want to just "do the right thing." I want - need - to do something that shows I'm okay. It's okay. We're okay. And, I'm okay with just that.

So it goes...

... life happens. It really does. My last two posts consist of promises to maintain my blog posts. It's not that I break promises. Let's face it: no one likes to break a promise. The truth? Plain and simple. I forgot. I forgot all about my blog - one of the things I enjoy most in this world - because I was too damn busy.

Let's be real here. I'm always busy. I always have been. Even when I say I'm going to slow down, I never do, because I'm really good at finding another project to take on, and you know what? I like that about me. I like being busy. I like helping other people. I like projects. Honestly, there have been days I wanted to pull my hair out, but I'm getting better. (Haven't we heard this before?) It's true this time. (I sound like an addict!) Last semester was hectic, crazy, all-consuming, soul-sucking... 6 classes, two kids, and too many projects to list was ridiculous. I'll admit it. So, I have slowed down. Some. I'm simply focusing on my family first, classes second, and smaller projects, which really just need finished up. So, you see, life happens. It always happens in my house. And, once I finish one thing, I pick up another. It's just how it goes... and, I'm good at it.

I do promise to be better about my blog. I miss it. I need it. I must give thanks to my special friend, SE, who encouraged me to get back on my blog-wagon. She writes an amazing blog herself (for which I could be a ghost writer since we share so many of the same opinions), and she supports the fact that I, too, have things to say. Boy, do I. So, here I go... I'm back up and running.

It's the simple gestures...

I know. I know. It's been awhile. Life happens. It really, really does in my house. I love to blog and am thinking about starting a new blog (sort of a "do over") soon. Until then, I've missed writing my thoughts, and today was as good of a day as any to tell the world about some of my memories. So, here it goes... Enjoy!


For the past few days the boys have been whiny, mouthy, and just not themselves. I was blaming a nasty combination of heat, growth spurts, molars coming in, and being withheld from playing outside from sun-up to sun-down. Quite honestly, these boys would live outside if I let them. It’s not that they have been “bad,” but they haven’t been the best listeners either.

Earlier today, we watched Camden, and I must say, watching my two boys interact with my nephew makes me the happiest mom in the entire world. The words they use to encourage and calm Camden melt my heart. I caught Graden reading to him, and Landen tries every day to teach him to crawl by demonstrating how Camden should “just put your leg up.” After Camden left, they helped me with laundry (without asking!) and told me stories about a rabbit we saw in our backyard. Their imaginations grow every second!

This afternoon, despite the rain, I decided it was time to mow the yard, and so, I let them play outside for a bit. After a few passes, I look up to see Graden jumping up and down while Landen simply smiled his “IswearIdidn’tdoit” face. I stopped the mower, and as I walked towards them, Landen pulled a cup of water from behind his back. He said, “Mommy, it’s hot out. We thought you should drink water.” Of course, they definitely earned nice points for this gesture. I got back to mowing with a smile.

A few more passes were made, and I was beginning to wonder how smart it was to mow between rain clouds. I heard the boys giggling. Yes, loud enough that I heard their laughter over the mower. I turned to find them directly behind me pretending to mow, too. They followed for a few passes until they found a shady spot to rest and watch me. All I could do was smile. Again.

You may not find these simple gestures as pleasing or heart-warming as I do; however, the best is yet to come. As I finished mowing, I pushed the mower back to the garage. I was dripping sweat and had damp grass caked to my legs. I was thinking how much I needed to clean the garage quick before going inside, but as I turned the corner, I saw that Landen and Graden had already cleaned the garage. And, by “clean” I don’t just mean that they picked up their toys. Landen had swept and proudly told me that he told Graden to get the trash picked up. Of course, it wasn’t a ton of trash, but still. Another gesture of how thoughtful my two boys are to me.

And, now, as I type this, I’m listening to them play in the bathtub. They’re getting to big to be in the tub together, but they were a sweaty mess and wanted to play as much as they needed to clean. I hear Landen saying things like, “Graden, just close your eyes. Water doesn’t hurt. You’ll be okay. Good job. See! You’re doing it!” Who knows what he’s making Graden do, and honestly, I’m not sure I care. What I care about is that my boys continue to treat each other and others exactly like this. Every day. Forever.

windows rolled down...

It's the 3rd week of July - already. Wow. 2010 is halfway over! Wow! In the next few weeks, I will turn 30 and start my final year of school for my BA in English. Another wow. I can't believe how quickly the past few years have gone... especially when I think about the boys. Landen will be 5 and Graden will be 3 in the next few months! I feel myself getting older. Not in a old-achy-body kind of way. In a I-appreciate-so-many-things kind of way. I'm almost tired of talking about "how far I've come" because about the time I do something else goes wrong as a reminder that I can get through it... Like a few weeks ago when my wallet was stolen and then last week when the transmission went out in my van! Neat. Really neat. So, yep, summer has been great... :)

And, our summer has also been a whirlwind. I thought I'd have plenty of time for myself, the boys, and my projects. Turns out - I had time for all sorts of other things, too - we've just kept busy, busy! The boys and I are home most days and we're enjoying every minute. I know come the 2nd week of August, our lives will be bombarded with changing schedules and several new projects. I'll be taking more classes than I ever have (5!) and working more hours at IPFW. The boys will be attending a preschool and extended care program. Phil - well, we don't know what he'll be doing yet!

Back to summer - - it's been hot and great! We've played outside and we love to drive around with the windows rolled down. The boys think it's hilarious to see my hair fly all around (it's a silly sight!) and love the radio turned up loud! I'm telling you - - there's nothing better than just being silly with these two boys! Every single day they say something to make me smile or laugh... they touch my heart in ways I can't explain... goodness knows I've tried. I hope your summer has been just as 'silly'. Until next time...

I'm back... Hello, Summer!

Finally! Time to sit down and write. Oh, blog, I've missed you. Time flies when you're busy with work, school, and two growing boys! Life is good these days. The boys are hilarious. Every day one of them thinks of something hysterical to say... Just a few days ago, Landen wanted to see a picture of a skeleton (because he saw something about bones in our bodies) and Graden told me to "calm down" (like I've never heard that before). This morning, as the girls were coming over to play outisde, Landen welcomed Izzie with a "Oooh, Izzie is in the hiz-ouse"... Really? We don't have MTV, so I'm not sure where that came from. I almost cried because I was laughing so hard. And, just last night, Graden told me I was a nerd. Awesome. See... they're funny. Smart, but funny.

My three nieces are growing into fun girls... so I get my fix of 'pink' with them. Lea will be 5 months old tomorrow, Izzie just turned 4, and Emma will be 3 a few weeks after Graden... They're wonderful (and not just because they think their "Aunt 'Lissa" is so cool).

School is off for summer (for me); Phil has a few days left and he'll be working like crazy doing landscaping. He loves it, though! Our house is getting a makeover in a week or so, thanks to a hailstorm a few weeks ago - it's pretty exciting! I know I'm getting old because I love going to Menard's! :)

My little sister, Rachael, is getting married in a few weeks! I can't believe it! More good news: Brandon and Kelly are having a baby in December! I'll be "Aunt 'Lissa" to another - - I love being an Aunt almost as much as I love being a Mommy!

Landen and I were playing with the hose below... And, Landen is holding Lea with Graden "helping" in the other picture. :) Aren't they getting so big?



Look for more posts to come... I'm back in the swing of things and summer break is here to stay (for a few months at least)!! Enjoy!!