Check yo' self.

That's right: check yo' self. Stop. Collaborate and listen. 
Okay, kidding... but seriously. Stop, listen, and reflect. 

Have you considered your priorities lately? 

I have. And, it's not easy. 

For example: my blog. It's more important to me than many may realize, and yet, I haven't written a post for over a month! Why is that? It's not that I don't have anything to say -- we all know I do. It's definitely not that I am not grateful for Graden's good news and now I've moved on -- we know that isn't true. Every day that goes by I count my blessings. I ask Graden how he's feeling. And, I never, ever forget how far he (and we) have come.

This week I heard several horrible stories. First, one of my sister's friends from childhood lost her unborn child the exact same way a close friend of mine lost her unborn son over a year ago. No woman should have to experience delivering an unborn child. I can't pretend I know what it truly feels like, but imagining it is horrific, and watching a friend struggle with the emotional and physical challenges that follow such an obstacle gives me enough details to know it just isn't fair. No parent should ever have to experience losing a child, and yet, it happens -- more often than we realize. Is it better to lose a child before you even got to know him or her... who can say? Not me. A loss is a loss; it hurts either way when your child - no matter the age - is not with you. 

Second, this morning actually, I received an email from a dear friend requesting we pray for her sister's husband who was just diagnosed with an incurable cancer and grim chance. You should read the blog she just started; their journey is just beginning and already she has gained strength. She is inspiring.

This is when I stopped. Reflected, and checked myself. I cried after receiving E's email this morning and quickly replied with a "let me know if I can help," because, honestly, what else can I do? It's been years since I've seen her sister, but I still hurt for her. It's only been a few months since I've seen my sister's friend, all pregnant and ready to have her sweet baby girl, but I still hurt for her. It's been over a year since my friend lost her unborn son, and I still think of him often. My heart has been heavy since I heard the news. I was overcome with my inability to 'control' another situation; I needed to help. But how?

What do you say? What do you do? Will anything make it better? Questions began snapping in my head like lightening... 

And, then it hit me: guilt. A horrible sense of guilt. Here I have been worrying and complaining and fighting through Graden's journey, while others fight a different fight... a more challenging fight than we've experienced. It made me think about how long it had been since I had posted on my blog -- as if I had "gotten over" Graden's illness just because we got some good news. But, that isn't true... It will never be true. It's there. Every single day.

What bothered me even more was thinking about why someone else lost their child and mine got to hear good news. Isn't that a horrible thought? Honestly, though, I can't help it. "Everything happens for a reason" just doesn't seem appropriate when someone is diagnosed with cancer or loses a child. Typically, I believe that everything does truly happen for a reason, but there are days... No matter how grateful I am, I can't get past feeling like it isn't fair to so many others. 

When you don't hear from me, it doesn't mean that I don't have anything to say. Some days, the opposite is true -- I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start. Today, though, I wanted to share my most personal feelings... guilt for having a child fight and make it. It's never easy; no one's journey is... I know that. Our experiences make me appreciate what time we have together more and more. I hope you feel that, and if you don't, I ask that you take a minute to truly read the words I'm typing...

And, so, here I am sitting next to my Grado, who is home sick today, watching a movie, and appreciating that we have this lazy time together where he can just "be" here. And, it is with a heavy heart that I ask you to read my friend's brother-in-law's story. Stop. Listen to others - truly listen. Reflect. Love and appreciate. Realign your priorities today and check yo' self. :)