Thoughts on Giving Thanks...

Date of last post:  July?! I can't believe it's been that long since I've blogged... So much has happened in four months. I've used social media as my way of updating, because I haven't made the time to sit still until this weekend... this Thanksgiving weekend.

Here's a condensed version of the past four months:  I got a new job in August. Actually, my hire date is my birthday: August 14th. It's cool that it's on my birthday, except that school started two days later. Needless to say, I had to get things together quickly, and, honestly, I think I'm just now getting to the point where I feel slightly organized. I won't lie and tell you the transition was easy, because it was nothing like I had hoped, which is one more reason why I haven't blogged. But, it has been so worth it, and I'm so glad I made this career move. I love being a teacher, my students, my coworkers, and my school, and I wouldn't change a thing about it. As you can imagine, working full-time was a major change for our family, but we're starting to get into a routine. I didn't leave IPFW all together, though, and am hoping that I can still teach a class or two throughout the year.

Phil is still working as hard as ever and has been super supportive of my stress-driven mood swings over the past few months. Thank goodness he is a patient man! In September, we celebrated our 10th anniversary! Who knew he'd keep  me that long? :)

Landen has grown several inches and has no problem telling everyone that he's almost as tall as them, especially his aunts. He's doing very well in school and is finding neat things to take interest in -- history, art (drawing and designing), and reading. I am also happy to report that he has been writing! I'm saving the stories he creates... they're funny and so creative! He will begin basketball season, soon, and with his growth, I can't wait to see how he has improved his shot. All in all, he's loving 3rd grade and life in general. He is so happy and sweet, and we love watching him learn and grow into an amazing personality.

Graden is... well, he's Grado. :)

Over the past several weeks, he's had a few appointments and tests. We had a few concerns about his brain (based on some of his comments and behaviors), so we got him in for his 6-month follow-up (medicine free, remember?)... it didn't go so well. He's grown, too, of course, so we were truly hoping that he was just experiencing some changes due to that, but the results showed that he's having several series of seizure spikes. So, it's back to medicine.

He started a few days ago and seems to be okay so far. It takes 3 months for the medicine to get into his system, which means 3 months of possible side effects and waiting. And, waiting is the worst part! The last time he was on this medicine, he was extremely sensitive; he would cry and couldn't tell us why. He would be tired without doing anything. It was frustrating for him and us. We sat him down to tell him what the doctor said, and he just looked at us and said, "Okay, if that's what it takes." Clearly, I took the news harder than he did. I know it's just medicine, and I really need to be thankful he's still here...

This morning I heard the terrible news that one of my former students died in a car accident last night. I didn't know her well, but we became connected via social media and remained in contact. She was young, beautiful, and had a contagious personality. I loved having her in class and am heartbroken that I can no longer hear about her adventures. When I hear stories like this, I want to squeeze both my boys and lock them in their rooms, but I know that isn't fair. Instead, we live each day and enjoy the moments we do have... we never know when our moments will be gone.

When someone asks me about Graden, I justify his health in weird ways... I always make sure that they know he's okay by saying, "Oh, you'd never know he has trouble," like I'm afraid they will judge him. Maybe I say it for myself, as a way to downplay how serious his illnesses really are? I just don't know why I feel like I need to make him "fit in" or seem "normal." Regardless, he is okay. He does fit in, and I think he's pretty normal. :) He's been reading nonstop, which is so crazy to me. Just one year ago, he didn't think he could ever read; he thought he was slow and behind all the other kids. Now, though, he's thriving in 1st grade. He's still a little rough and tough, but, honestly, I will take that over being down sick any day!

Overall, I'd say we've had an eventful four months, but we're starting to slow down and remember to enjoy each other. This Thanksgiving (and every day, really) we have a lot to be thankful for, so we made sure to give our thanks. We've discussed our gratefulness as a family, and I hope we never forget how far we've come. May we also never take for granted that our path could change any day...

Happy Thanksgiving weekend, friends. I'm happy to be back. xoxo

Raising Money for Riley!

Riley Children's Hospital has become special to our lives. While we have only been a few times, we know our visits are about to become more frequent. 

During April, Landen's school, Shambaugh Elementary (a FWCS), will be collecting quarters to donate to Riley. From April 15th to April 19th, the students are even hosting a "Riley Spirit Week." 

I don't like to ask for money, but Riley helps so many people, including Graden. If you find you have a few extra quarters in your change jar, would you please consider sending them to Landen? He is really very determined to raise money for the "place that helps his brother." 

On a similar note, have you heard of Kate's Kart? They are an amazing group of people who provide books for children in the hospital. Each and every single time Graden has been in the hospital, he has had a visit from them. If you're looking for a way to help children, please consider looking in to Kate's Kart; they are always looking for books to add to their collection. 

A very sincere thank you! xox

Control.

I did not mean to let three weeks pass before a post; my apologies.

Somehow, school (reading, writing, researching, grading...), laundry, organizing (cleaning, moving, unpacking), appointment-going, and flu-fighting (among many other things) stole me from you briefly.

Allow me to catch you up on our lives.

Our house, you ask? It's for sale. Still. Yes, I know... it's only been a few months. But, it's beginning (Who am I kidding? It did from the start) to drive me crazy. We just want it sold. No, we need it sold. No, you don't have to buy it, but I sure hope someone does. :)Soon. Our realtor - God love him - works hard; we are so lucky to have him!

The hubby, Landen, and I have all managed to be sick. Landen is doing much better since my last update and is currently enjoying his spring break. The hubby and I had a 24-hour flu, which was a nightmare. How is it that we manage to get the boys flu shots and forget about ourselves? Note to self for next year: get that flu shot!

Graden - knock on wood - has managed to stay healthy.

Since my last post on March 14th, though, G has had six doctor's appointments, some blood work, swallow therapy, a neuropyschology test, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something... all of these things followed the sleep study and the V-EEG. Tough kid. Stressed Mom.

We have been using the BiPAP machine, and it seems to be helping him sleep a bit better - although, there are still nights...

We haven't heard back from the bloodwork, which usually means it's okay. Maybe I'll call them today...

We received news from the Neuropsychologist yesterday. The good news is there are no concerns cognitively. (Duh. I knew he was smart.) :) 

The not-so-good news is that there are still concerns about his attention and impulse -- side effects from his brain defect, although the same could probably be said about me. Ha!

We will be meeting a therapist soon to work on "things." They seem hopeful that we can work on preparing him for the school setting... Can you believe my baby will be in Kindergarten in August and SIX YEARS OLD in November? Whew!

The biggest stressor has been the anticipation of Friday's appointment at Riley. We thought we sort of knew what to expect (how's that for confidence?), but so much has happened since our last visit -- three long months ago. Graden has had so many tests and new developments...

I'm just going to put it out there: We are worried. I am worried. Graden is... well, Graden isn't. He's his usual witty, energetic self. Thankfully. But, this time, that doesn't make it any easier.

I can't help feeling like I'm not doing enough. I want to handle it for Graden, carry the burden, the weight. I want to control it. To fix it.

But, I can't.

I hear myself making excuses. I try to be so patient, but I am not. I want answers. I try to explain what the doctors, nurses, and specialists say, what the tests results mean, but I can't. I can't stress the urgency in their voices to my family, my friends, Graden's friends. I hear myself downplaying, hoping with others, but I worry myself sick. Literally. He has obstacles, challenges. I see them. Every day, I see him struggle.

But, I can't fix it.

I try so hard to live "normally." I want him to play and just go about his childhood, and he does, but he's different. Every child is different (boy have I learned that!), and different is okay. Good, even. Graden, and his special-brain as we have all started calling it, is a "normal," ornery, little five-year-old who still gets in trouble for peeing on the toilet seat, sneaking a fruit snack, or not sharing with his brother. Honestly, those moments may drive me nuts, but I'm so grateful for them... they make us "normal." Right?

And, so, while I work through my own issues, I'll say this again (my fault, not yours) - I miss my friends, and I'm sorry I come and go. I will get better. I will. Thank you for continuing to ask me to do things even if I repeatedly cannot join you. Please know that there are just days, weeks that go by before I even realize that I haven't blogged, responded to an email or text, or called to make plans. Time is not something that has been on my side this past year.

Yet another thing I cannot control. :)

Raising good boys...

My hope in sharing things about my boys, especially Graden, is to share his story, his challenges, his journey. I never want anyone to think I'm searching for compliments or pity; hopefully, you know me well enough by now...

In all honesty, I spend more time than I should deciding what to share and what not to share. I'm sure I'm not pleasing everyone, and I'm sorry if I upset you... never my intention; I always have good intentions. Always.

Trying to raise "good" boys is a challenge, whether your son is healthy or not. Shoot, trying to raise good kids is work... we all know that, whether you're a parent or not. I could go into the "back when I was a kid" lecture, but I'll spare you. We all know things have changed; influences begin at younger ages. Regardless, I'm a firm believer in communication. It's what my dad always did, and I think I turned out alright. (Please refrain from commenting on that.) :)

It's not a secret that I talk to my son. I talk to everyone. I'm like an open book... you know when I'm happy. You know when I'm sad. I can't help it. Because of this, I've always talked to Landen at a more "grown-up" level than I probably should. But, why lie? He can always tell when something is wrong.

"Mom, do I have to get a shot today?" -- a question I constantly hear from both boys as we go to their several doctor visits.

I've always been - and always will be - honest with the boys. A straight yes or no works fine. If I must say "I don't know," I follow it with an explanation.

I'm not telling you this to persuade you to change your ways if you answer that famous question with a "we'll see," knowing fully-well that you're going for vaccinations. :)

Instead, I tell you this because I'm trying to show you that this is what I've had to do for my boys. All they know is a life of going to visit doctors' offices; Graden more so than Landen, but still... They've needed me to be honest. They've needed to know what to expect.

And, Landen knows what to expect. Landen knows more than I even realize. Rather, he understands more...

This week, he hasn't been feeling well. He went to school Monday, stayed home Tuesday, and went back yesterday. As many of you know, I was in the hospital with Graden from 9 am Tuesday to 11:30 am Wednesday for his test. Needless to say, it's been a long few days...

When I picked Landen up from school yesterday, he was in bad shape -- burning up with a fever, as pale as his white t-shirt, and shivering with the shakes from his temperature. He said he was exhausted and fell asleep on the 4 minute drive home.

As you can imagine, I got him home, called the doctor and made an appointment for this morning, got him into comfy clothes, gave him some medicine, and wrapped him up on the couch for the night. When I sat down with him and asked him why he didn't tell his teacher so she could call me to come get him, do you know what he said?

"Mom, I was okay. I didn't want to bother you, because I  know you needed to be with Graden."

*sigh*

I couldn't even reply. Of course I would've made it work; I would have gotten him from school, but he tried to be tough for me. For his brother. For his dad, who had already missed a few days of work and was working out of town. What was I supposed to say to that?

I was mad (the worried-kind-of-mad) at him for a second. Then, I was heartbroken. My seven-year-old was putting the feelings of so many others ahead of his own. And, this wasn't the first time...

Raising good boys... Yep, there's some hard work in there, but mostly, I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have these two. They make raising them easy.

Today, after his doctor's appointment, we talked some more about this. I think he understands now that it's okay for him to need me, too. But, I won't be surprised if he puts his little brother's feelings first again down the road...

And, that little brother, well, he did great yesterday. He missed his brother and wanted him to come play. (Don't let me fool you -- they still wrestle and argue like brothers, but they definitely love each other in a strong way for being so young.) Landen got to visit Graden, though, and that made his day! (Well, that and all the snacks and nurses he flirted with...) :)

Now, as we wait for Graden's results from the Video-EEG, I sweat. I saw the monitor, and, as hard as I tried, I couldn't help but stare at it often throughout the day/night. Have I mentioned that this never gets easier?

Remember, Monday we started with the BiPAP machine (I said CPAP in my last post, but I was wrong.) The machine was scary the first night; I had to choke back tears as he asked me to stay in the room until he fell asleep. Last night, though, Grado was very proud to set it up himself and fall asleep without Phil or me.

He, too, is a good boy. He never complains about any of this... he does what he needs to do and never ceases to amaze me with his constant optimism and strength.

How did I get so lucky? So blessed? So loved...

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Now, we lay low. We rest so Landen gets better, and we wait by the phone until the doctor calls with the results from the V-EEG. As always, I will keep you posted.

 

Sharing in the Spotlight!

Before I begin my usual update, I felt the need to shine the spotlight on Landen a bit.

Landen is amazing; there are many ways I could describe him, but amazing covers it all.

While he is your typical 7 year old in that he loves to play (especially outside), he tries to avoid veggies as much as possible, and he likes to stay up late and sleep in if I let him, there are also many things that aren't so typical.

Landen is smart.
I know you're thinking that all moms think their child is smart, but he is smart in several ways. Sure, he gets good grades and is always on the honor roll list, but his brain also works in ways that are beyond his seven years. He asks questions about everything -- not in an annoying way. :) Instead, he really, truly wants to know how things work, what words mean, and why things happen. Very inquisitive! Shoot, he's even been watching the DIY Network for fun! :) I love watching him as he learns new things; his teacher says his reading skills are excellent (just like his Momma!).

Landen is sensitive.
Again, I know what you're thinking. He probably fits the stereotype of "momma's boy," and I don't care. In fact, I love it! I hope he continues to be sensitive despite the gender norms that will push him to be "tough." I love that he gets his patience from his dad and his constant caring from me. Although, I can see he will be a "worrier" like me, too. (Boo!) Landen smiles at everyone, is wonderful with kids both young and old, and knows how you feel before you even tell him. He's very observant, especially when it comes to feelings. Sometimes he is shy -- he certainly does not like all the attention on him, but he is also very personable. I do not worry about him in social settings at all!

Landen is athletic.
Yes, yes, here we go again... All moms think their kids are awesome. :) And, we do! But, I also know that he has been recognized as being a good baseball player, which seems to be his sport for the past few years. He loves being outside, playing anything really, and, although he loves to read, write, draw, and color, he loves to play, too! The best of both worlds in my eyes... Someday, I'm sure he will be in college playing sports and studying something hard. :) From a very early age, he was gifted with excellent hand-eye-coordination. Often, I find myself daydreaming about what he will do when he "grows up." (Not too soon, though; I'm not ready for him to be grown.)

Landen is loving, helpful, considerate, polite, outgoing, and funny... and I'm sure there are so many more adjectives, but I'll stop, because the most important thing he is... is mine! He is my baby. My oldest son. My firstborn. My friend. Can you believe at 7 he is already my friend? Well, he is. He checks in on me, worries about me, wants to know how I am (especially on days when Graden has appointments), and loves me -- even when I'm crazy. :)

In the last two weeks, Landen has come home with 2 "Caught Being Good" notes, 1 Bowling Award (for being the top boy bowler in first grade), 1 Character Counts Award for Trustworthiness, an email from his teacher, and an excellent parent-teacher conference... And, again, that's only in TWO WEEKS! :)

Sometimes I worry that I'm not showing him enough attention when I'm worried about Graden, or quite honestly too tired to "deal" with him after a long day, and I know that isn't fair. So, I know, too, that I try to overcompensate and "brag" a little to my family about how awesome he is, and luckily, they don't mind. :) Deep down, though, I know that this kid is tough in a different way than Graden. He is "tough" for me, supportive in more ways than he may even realize. No, Landen would not do well if he were the one "sick" like Graden; he would worry constantly. Graden, however, can handle it, and Landen is the "support." Their relationship is becoming stronger and stronger despite the "brotherly fights" that happen here and there. :)

It's amazing that I was blessed with two little men who handle everything life gives them with grace, ease, and humor. As their mom, I honestly learn from them every single day and worry that someday my heart my burst with pride.

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Disclaimer: Please don't take this post as me believing that Landen is better than anyone else's child. Goodness knows I love all "my kids" - biological or not. I just had to share why Landen is perfect for me!