Momma knows best. Period.

We went back to the doctor this morning, and my fears were confirmed:

Graden has pneumonia.

And, because so many feel strongly that the two are directly related, I am a good mom, damn it. 

Yes, I understand that it may seem as though he is "sick" often, but it's not as consistent as it seems. Look back. The problem is that when he is sick, he is sick with something horrible... 

It's a joke (not really funny, but it eases tension) at the doctor's office that my boys "go big or stay home." 

I honestly cannot help that Graden gets sick. I've tried. Don't you think if I could, I would prevent it? Short of keeping him in a plastic bubble, which is just not possible or I would. Hell, even in that bubble he would still have his brain defects. 

So why do other people feel the need to question me as a parent? Maybe I post too much on Facebook? I do status updates, because I honestly get so many texts, emails, or calls that it's easier to update the status than it is to reply to everyone. And, I want to... I want people to know what's going on, because I have to cancel plans, miss class, or not be as good of a friend as I want to be. And, maybe because I need other people to help send positive thoughts or prayers, or whatever, because maybe... just maybe I'm too tired to do it myself. 

Why do I even feel like I have to explain myself? I suppose it's a justification that helps me prove to myself that I am doing the right things by my son... I don't know if many can comprehend how hard I work at taking care of G. It fills my life with constant worry, stress... it's emotionally and physically draining, and it's frickin' scary. Just one example... If you've never seen a seizure, I hope you never do, and I sure as heck hope it's not your child if you do see one... 

I know that when my friends are going through something, I try to offer things that have worked for me (or for my kids), and for many, moms especially, that is a way to try to help. It's like a maternal instinct. I get that. I have many friends that do that, and I love it. I appreciate it. I do. What hurts are the questions that immediately question my ability or intention... "Is he eating healthy? What are you feeding him?" "Is your house clean? I heard too much dust is bad for kids." "Do you let him play outside in the rain or this damp weather? It's horrible for kids; they can catch colds."

Heaven forbid he catches a cold! The kid can handle a cold. Don't you know what he's been through already? A runny nose does not phase Graden. Sorry, but it doesn't. Shoot, this pneumonia is barely phasing him... I practically have to sit on him to get him to rest. 

I mean, come on! Have you seen Grado? He doesn't miss a meal. He eats fruits, veggies, and drinks plenty of water. He rests when he needs to and is one hell of a tough little guy... if you only knew his entire life's history - his four 1/2 years of overcoming serious obstacles - you would know he's pretty damn tough. 

So, yes, I am a good mom. I don't wait around for things to get worse; I got straight into the doctor when I noticed his difficulty breathing. I know how serious fever spikes can be for his other health issues. I'm watching him (literally) around the clock. And, I always, always, ALWAYS put him first, which isn't always as easy I would like... but tough shit. I'm a mom. I'm HIS mom, and I'm a damn good one, too. 

And, so, we meet again...

... Pneumonia. 

Why must you pick my boys to attack? Graden has other things to worry about; he doesn't have time for you. You left him alone for so long; I thought we had moved on...

The fever alone is enough to worry me. The spike and drop and constant change in his temperature could potentially cause another seizure, which starts an entirely new round of worries...

He can barely breathe. His cough hurts his chest. He doesn't want to eat, and he isn't sleeping well.

I hate feeling helpless. The on-call doctor complimented me on "knowing to get him in right away" -- clearly she doesn't know I've become a sort of expert on my boys. She said we caught it early, which I know is good, so I'll keep telling myself we are on top of it. We know what needs to be done in the next few days, and we've done it before, which is why we're at home and not at the hospital now. 

I still just can't stop worrying about his fevers. 

This is the first time he's been sick since he's been diagnosed with his malformation and heterotopia. I feel like I'm just staring at him. He keeps telling me he's okay; I ask him about every three minutes how he's doing. 

Today and tomorrow will be all about G; let's hope we start to see an improvement. I really, really don't want to have to take him to the hospital; more importantly, I don't want him to have to stay in the hospital... again.

Check yo' self.

That's right: check yo' self. Stop. Collaborate and listen. 
Okay, kidding... but seriously. Stop, listen, and reflect. 

Have you considered your priorities lately? 

I have. And, it's not easy. 

For example: my blog. It's more important to me than many may realize, and yet, I haven't written a post for over a month! Why is that? It's not that I don't have anything to say -- we all know I do. It's definitely not that I am not grateful for Graden's good news and now I've moved on -- we know that isn't true. Every day that goes by I count my blessings. I ask Graden how he's feeling. And, I never, ever forget how far he (and we) have come.

This week I heard several horrible stories. First, one of my sister's friends from childhood lost her unborn child the exact same way a close friend of mine lost her unborn son over a year ago. No woman should have to experience delivering an unborn child. I can't pretend I know what it truly feels like, but imagining it is horrific, and watching a friend struggle with the emotional and physical challenges that follow such an obstacle gives me enough details to know it just isn't fair. No parent should ever have to experience losing a child, and yet, it happens -- more often than we realize. Is it better to lose a child before you even got to know him or her... who can say? Not me. A loss is a loss; it hurts either way when your child - no matter the age - is not with you. 

Second, this morning actually, I received an email from a dear friend requesting we pray for her sister's husband who was just diagnosed with an incurable cancer and grim chance. You should read the blog she just started; their journey is just beginning and already she has gained strength. She is inspiring.

This is when I stopped. Reflected, and checked myself. I cried after receiving E's email this morning and quickly replied with a "let me know if I can help," because, honestly, what else can I do? It's been years since I've seen her sister, but I still hurt for her. It's only been a few months since I've seen my sister's friend, all pregnant and ready to have her sweet baby girl, but I still hurt for her. It's been over a year since my friend lost her unborn son, and I still think of him often. My heart has been heavy since I heard the news. I was overcome with my inability to 'control' another situation; I needed to help. But how?

What do you say? What do you do? Will anything make it better? Questions began snapping in my head like lightening... 

And, then it hit me: guilt. A horrible sense of guilt. Here I have been worrying and complaining and fighting through Graden's journey, while others fight a different fight... a more challenging fight than we've experienced. It made me think about how long it had been since I had posted on my blog -- as if I had "gotten over" Graden's illness just because we got some good news. But, that isn't true... It will never be true. It's there. Every single day.

What bothered me even more was thinking about why someone else lost their child and mine got to hear good news. Isn't that a horrible thought? Honestly, though, I can't help it. "Everything happens for a reason" just doesn't seem appropriate when someone is diagnosed with cancer or loses a child. Typically, I believe that everything does truly happen for a reason, but there are days... No matter how grateful I am, I can't get past feeling like it isn't fair to so many others. 

When you don't hear from me, it doesn't mean that I don't have anything to say. Some days, the opposite is true -- I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start. Today, though, I wanted to share my most personal feelings... guilt for having a child fight and make it. It's never easy; no one's journey is... I know that. Our experiences make me appreciate what time we have together more and more. I hope you feel that, and if you don't, I ask that you take a minute to truly read the words I'm typing...

And, so, here I am sitting next to my Grado, who is home sick today, watching a movie, and appreciating that we have this lazy time together where he can just "be" here. And, it is with a heavy heart that I ask you to read my friend's brother-in-law's story. Stop. Listen to others - truly listen. Reflect. Love and appreciate. Realign your priorities today and check yo' self. :)