A new (bumpy) path...

I will move past telling you how last week was challenging (read my last blog post) and tell you how interesting it was instead.

For starters, the kitchen sink broke. I don't mean broke as in water was spraying everywhere. I mean broke as in the water wouldn't go down the drain. It was interesting to say the least. After a few days of Grado and me doing dishes in my bathtub (can you picture that?), the hubby and his buddy finally managed to unclog some fifty feet of pipes.

While the sink was clogged, the washing machine, which has been trying to break for months now, officially sprung a leak. It works, but the loads have to be smaller and I have to check it after each use. It's painfully annoying, but I think we will live. We will be buying a new washer in the next few weeks... oh, the joys of adulthood.

Also, last week, while the washer and sink were having water issues, my laptop -- while I was attempting to grade portfolios -- decided to have a problem with some "driver." Again, incredibly annoying and frustrating, but it has been a faithful machine, and I won't complain about getting a new one (besides the cost!).

In addition to all of this, Landen was home with pneumonia from Tuesday-Friday last week. We visited the doctor three times -- just for him.

Graden, who had a swallow study done last Thursday, was in pretty good spirits and managed to stay healthy through Landen's illness -- a miracle indeed.

Yesterday, however, we took a turn down a new path...

While still recovering from the heavy hearts (again, see my last post), we were anxiously awaiting the official results of Graden's test. Originally, we thought it would be a test that we didn't have to worry about. We thought the doctor was being proactive and ruling things out, which was not the case.

During the tests, the therapists and nurses began telling me about what they saw, none of which was good. One even went as far as saying, "If you don't hear from your doctor today, you need to call." Lovely. They were helpful, though, and explained that Graden was, quite possibly, aspirating.

At the time, I wasn't sure what questions to ask. I didn't know how serious it was, and I surely didn't know what it all meant. So, I waited. I cried, and I waited.

Luckily, if I can even say that, I needed to focus on getting Landen better through the weekend and pushed my questions aside (right after I googled it). :)

On Monday, I kept busy and enjoyed every bit of the first day of my break.

Yesterday, my day started out great. I had a meeting and a long catch-up session with my boss, who is becoming a dear friend and mentor. I had a lunch-and-library date with Grado. Then, we went to his six-month check-up with his Neurologist.

I'm not sure what I expected. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever expect anything, but I sure didn't expect the words that came out of her mouth: "I think we need to touch base with Dr. Ackerman."

Do you remember who that is? She is Graden's Pediatric Neurosurgeon at Riley Children's Hospital. While I liked her very much, I'm not sure I wanted to see her again so soon... We were just there in August.

Regardless, our Neurologist here thought it was best to notify her of the changes (health-wise and a few other concerns that I won't go into here) Grado has been going through and the results of the test, no matter what they were (we didn't know them at this point).

No sooner than we walked out of the building, my phone rang. It was the Pulmonologist's Head Nurse called to let me know the results of the test from last Thursday.

Thus, our new path...

Graden has some issues with fluids. I could type out all the medical terms, but it is slightly confusing. I plan to do more research and post more. In the meantime, we have to be careful because of the possibility of aspiration. so, long story short, we have to thicken his liquids with hopes of fixing or improving the issue. In turn, addressing this issue should help improve other concerns.

After a 30 minute conversation, a promise to mail me more information, and a follow-up appointment scheduled, she said the same words I had already heard once... "Doc wants you to contact your specialist at Riley to run these results and changes past her."

So, I did. I made the call. I can't believe that dialing numbers could pose such a challenge. It was painful, scary, and frustrating all at the same time. It's hard to explain and sounds silly to type.

Another 30 minute conversation later, I had more information, some answers, an idea of what would happen next, and another test and appointment scheduled with our doc in Indy in February.

So, I'm not entirely sure where this path will lead us, but, as always, I will keep you posted.

Speechless and Silent for Sandy Hook.

I'm not sure where to start. I'm not even sure I have the words.

You see, last week was bad. Horrible, actually. Then, this happened and things changed. 

Let me digress. 

I remember exactly where I was when I heard about Columbine and Virginia Tech, both of which happened after I graduated high school. I think that's important, clearly I paid more attention to the news as I became an adult.

With the exception of September 11th, I can honestly say I was not as affected by those events as I was by Sandy Hook's tragedy. 

Is this because I am a mom? I'm not so sure; I know many people sick to their stomachs by the thought of someone shooting 20 innocent little children who are not parents. 
Is this because among those sweet lives could have been my own angels? Landen is 7; Graden is 5. Yes, it could have been them, and that is too much to handle.

Even more than imagining my boys in the school, even more than the mistakes in the news' reports, even more than the contradictions in who did it and why, even more than the questions I couldn't help but ask, I hated the pictures I saw of the victims - the children. Let me explain.

When Columbine happened - or Virginia Tech, I read or watched the news. I wondered who and why and tried to understand. But, I never, ever remember seeing faces of victims, and I was okay with that. Sure, I prayed, sent love and positive thoughts, and mourned for the losses of so many families, but I never thought about their faces. I'm not sure why - I just didn't. 

But, last Friday, I was home - with both boys - when I heard about Sandy Hook Elementary School. Immediately, the social media sites were bombarded with stories, and shortly after, pictures of innocent little faces. Those faces had names. Parents. Siblings. Friends. They probably even had Christmas presents hidden in closets. Unfinished projects at school. Pets waiting for them to come home...

As I scrolled through Facebook, pictures displayed smiles of happy kids who had to die at the hand of person they did not know. A person who scared them, stole their innocence, and took them from their loved ones. More than being sad, I was so angry.

My point?

Each day I struggle with the possibility of losing my child. Deep down, I know I shouldn't live with that worry, and I should live each day like it may be our last together... and, trust me, I try. But, these little souls have stuck with me for the past few days as we continue to get news of Graden's newest challenges, and no matter how heartbreaking the news is, how frustrating this journey has been, or how much I hurt watching Graden struggle, I wouldn't change a thing, because he is still with me. I'm ashamed, but so grateful, to admit that it took these 20 sweet peas  to remind me. My hope? These lives do not die in vain; instead, I hope their families sacrifices lead to major changes in all our lives.

If you haven't seen "The Voice" tribute to the victims, please watch it. It is simply beautiful.