You see, last week was bad. Horrible, actually. Then, this happened and things changed.
Let me digress.
I remember exactly where I was when I heard about Columbine and Virginia Tech, both of which happened after I graduated high school. I think that's important, clearly I paid more attention to the news as I became an adult.
With the exception of September 11th, I can honestly say I was not as affected by those events as I was by Sandy Hook's tragedy.
Is this because I am a mom? I'm not so sure; I know many people sick to their stomachs by the thought of someone shooting 20 innocent little children who are not parents.
Is this because among those sweet lives could have been my own angels? Landen is 7; Graden is 5. Yes, it could have been them, and that is too much to handle.
Even more than imagining my boys in the school, even more than the mistakes in the news' reports, even more than the contradictions in who did it and why, even more than the questions I couldn't help but ask, I hated the pictures I saw of the victims - the children. Let me explain.
When Columbine happened - or Virginia Tech, I read or watched the news. I wondered who and why and tried to understand. But, I never, ever remember seeing faces of victims, and I was okay with that. Sure, I prayed, sent love and positive thoughts, and mourned for the losses of so many families, but I never thought about their faces. I'm not sure why - I just didn't.
But, last Friday, I was home - with both boys - when I heard about Sandy Hook Elementary School. Immediately, the social media sites were bombarded with stories, and shortly after, pictures of innocent little faces. Those faces had names. Parents. Siblings. Friends. They probably even had Christmas presents hidden in closets. Unfinished projects at school. Pets waiting for them to come home...
As I scrolled through Facebook, pictures displayed smiles of happy kids who had to die at the hand of person they did not know. A person who scared them, stole their innocence, and took them from their loved ones. More than being sad, I was so angry.
My point?
Each day I struggle with the possibility of losing my child. Deep down, I know I shouldn't live with that worry, and I should live each day like it may be our last together... and, trust me, I try. But, these little souls have stuck with me for the past few days as we continue to get news of Graden's newest challenges, and no matter how heartbreaking the news is, how frustrating this journey has been, or how much I hurt watching Graden struggle, I wouldn't change a thing, because he is still with me. I'm ashamed, but so grateful, to admit that it took these 20 sweet peas to remind me. My hope? These lives do not die in vain; instead, I hope their families sacrifices lead to major changes in all our lives.
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