News from the Past

Last night, I received bad news. Of course, no one ever likes to hear bad news, but this was something that made me have to sit down. I wasn't prepared. (Are we ever prepared?) I wasn't prepared to feel sadly about someone from my past, someone I barely know anymore, but I did. I felt awkward, unsure of how I was supposed to react. Was I supposed to be sad briefly, like I would be for any passing stranger who told me their loved one was very sick? Shocked or sickened like I would be reading about it on the news? My gut told me otherwise. My heart found the feelings that I felt so long ago; the feelings that I had shut out.

I've heard many people say that illness, struggles, even death, brings family closer. I'm not asking for that. Instead, I think this news made me stop.... made me deal with a part of my life that I had moved past... made me remember things I had forgotten. Is it a time for forgiveness? I don't know. It sounds like the right thing to do, but I don't need that. I've already moved on. Forgiven but not forgotten. What I need is to know how I handle the decisions I made so long ago. The blame and hurt is so old that it's gone. What is left?

I knew this day would come: the day I had to make difficult decisions involving my past. What I didn't expect was for it to come so soon, to catch me off guard, and to make me feel like I needed to "do the right thing..." (whatever that is).

So, here I am, feeling awkward, confused, and sad about someone I barely know anymore but am connected to in ways that cannot be ignored. I don't want to just "do the right thing." I want - need - to do something that shows I'm okay. It's okay. We're okay. And, I'm okay with just that.

So it goes...

... life happens. It really does. My last two posts consist of promises to maintain my blog posts. It's not that I break promises. Let's face it: no one likes to break a promise. The truth? Plain and simple. I forgot. I forgot all about my blog - one of the things I enjoy most in this world - because I was too damn busy.

Let's be real here. I'm always busy. I always have been. Even when I say I'm going to slow down, I never do, because I'm really good at finding another project to take on, and you know what? I like that about me. I like being busy. I like helping other people. I like projects. Honestly, there have been days I wanted to pull my hair out, but I'm getting better. (Haven't we heard this before?) It's true this time. (I sound like an addict!) Last semester was hectic, crazy, all-consuming, soul-sucking... 6 classes, two kids, and too many projects to list was ridiculous. I'll admit it. So, I have slowed down. Some. I'm simply focusing on my family first, classes second, and smaller projects, which really just need finished up. So, you see, life happens. It always happens in my house. And, once I finish one thing, I pick up another. It's just how it goes... and, I'm good at it.

I do promise to be better about my blog. I miss it. I need it. I must give thanks to my special friend, SE, who encouraged me to get back on my blog-wagon. She writes an amazing blog herself (for which I could be a ghost writer since we share so many of the same opinions), and she supports the fact that I, too, have things to say. Boy, do I. So, here I go... I'm back up and running.