News from the Past

Last night, I received bad news. Of course, no one ever likes to hear bad news, but this was something that made me have to sit down. I wasn't prepared. (Are we ever prepared?) I wasn't prepared to feel sadly about someone from my past, someone I barely know anymore, but I did. I felt awkward, unsure of how I was supposed to react. Was I supposed to be sad briefly, like I would be for any passing stranger who told me their loved one was very sick? Shocked or sickened like I would be reading about it on the news? My gut told me otherwise. My heart found the feelings that I felt so long ago; the feelings that I had shut out.

I've heard many people say that illness, struggles, even death, brings family closer. I'm not asking for that. Instead, I think this news made me stop.... made me deal with a part of my life that I had moved past... made me remember things I had forgotten. Is it a time for forgiveness? I don't know. It sounds like the right thing to do, but I don't need that. I've already moved on. Forgiven but not forgotten. What I need is to know how I handle the decisions I made so long ago. The blame and hurt is so old that it's gone. What is left?

I knew this day would come: the day I had to make difficult decisions involving my past. What I didn't expect was for it to come so soon, to catch me off guard, and to make me feel like I needed to "do the right thing..." (whatever that is).

So, here I am, feeling awkward, confused, and sad about someone I barely know anymore but am connected to in ways that cannot be ignored. I don't want to just "do the right thing." I want - need - to do something that shows I'm okay. It's okay. We're okay. And, I'm okay with just that.