I have to, so I will.

We got the new CPAP machine.

It looks, and sounds, scary. Here is a picture from his last sleep study so you can see what it looks like:

Last night, before bed, we set it up together. The machine itself is the exact same model as the one we used to have, which I think helped Graden's transition. The mask is different, though, and I was worried he may not like it even though he said he did during his last study.

As I was getting him attached, connected, and fitted, he struggled. I could tell he was tense, which isn't usually the case with G.

After I got him all hooked up, he snuggled into his blankets, and I turned it on, waiting for a response. He took slow breaths and looked so fragile. I don't know why I felt like crying... he's been wearing a mask for months.

Finally, I asked him how he was doing. He tried to smile and nodded. I gave him a "good job" and told him to close his eyes. Eventually, I tip-toed out of the room.

About 15 minutes later, I heard him... "Momma!" Before I could even get back to his room, he yelled again, "Mommmmaaa!" I panicked! (Although, have I told you how much I love him calling me "Momma"? It melts my heart that the "-ma" hasn't dropped off yet.

Luckily (if one can say finding their child sitting straight up in bed, with fear in their eyes, crying, reaching out for you is lucky), he was okay. When I asked him what was wrong, he answered that the machine was "breathing too hard for him" and "it was about to give him bad dreams." I almost smiled at his seriousness.

After calming him down, we went through the steps again, talking quietly about why it was so important to wear his mask... I sat in the room until he drifted off, with promises of leaving the door open as I left.

He did great through the night... the mask stayed on and he slept well.

Very proudly, he pounced into my bedroom this morning (bright and early) to tell me he really liked it, and he "even took it off by himself when he woke up."

Thank goodness.

I love him for so many reasons, but my favorite is his strength... his "I have to, so I will" attitude. He even told a friend of ours yesterday that "He got a new machine that will keep him alive." At first, I didn't know whether to smile or cry, but I held it together, smiled, and gave an "Aw." He pays attention to me when I talk, but I can't say for certain that I say his machine "keeps him alive." I know it does, but I think I use other words. So, when he summarizes my paragraphs and our talks and gets straight to the point, I'm awestruck by his candor. Sometimes I let myself be saddened by what he has to go through, despite knowing it could be worse, but it's never long before he reminds me that he can handle it... that he has to, so he will.