Momma went MIA and couldn't take it...

My last post was on July 9th - almost two months ago, and, although I feel badly for leaving some of my readers "hanging," I must admit it felt good to drift away for a bit.

I went M.I.A. -- missing in action. Didn't know a mom could do that, did you? Well, this Momma didn't have much of a choice.

While blogging is still my favorite coping mechanism, I needed that break. After our last trip to Riley Hospital for Children in early July, I made a very conscious decision to enjoy the remaining weeks of summer, knowing fully well that as soon as the calendar flipped to August, my life would once again become chaotic.

So, I did. I enjoyed this past summers more than many of the previous. I played hard. We swam. We ran. We played baseball, built forts, watched movies - at home and in the theater! We stayed up late, laughed, and spent so much more time together than we had been able to during the school year. Even Phil was able to enjoy summer a bit more during July and into August.

It's not that I didn't want to update you about Graden, I did. I just couldn't bring myself to jinx his speedy, smooth, and strong recovery... Plus, we needed that time together. Time to just "live."

August came and went. Again, we gradually got busy as we prepared for school to start. Graden started Kindergarten without a hiccup. I struggled (and still do) leaving him. I know he's in great hands, but that doesn't always take away the feeling that I should be there with him (for him) in case something happens. Everyday, I remind myself that I'm close and that he is tough - in so many ways.

As I mentioned in my last post, we continued to "recover" and learn about Graden's restrictions. We had our follow-up appointments a few weeks ago; that is why I came back to blog...

I need this blog as much as I need the air that I breathe.

I can't explain that and I'm sure it sounds ridiculous, but I can't say I care. I just know that writing, explaining - however disorganized and chaotic my thoughts, and sharing helps me through these challenges. Being able to "get it out" allows me to be a better mom somehow. I'm telling you -- it does.

You  may have heard or read on Facebook that Graden's swallow study went great! The therapist spent all of fifteen minutes checking him and was so pleased to tell us he was "swallowing normally" that I cried when she smiled at me. It was the first time we went for a test and received an "all clear." I will never forget that feeling and hope that I will be able to experience it again someday.

Because of the success of that test, and because his recovery was so much easier than we had anticipated, we went to his sleep study with fewer worries than we had in the past. I honestly allowed myself to believe that this could be it - that he could have improved to the point of living differently. Living with fewer restrictions, fewer complications...

I can tell you that I had never allowed myself to feel so positively about a test. I try to be very borderline:  not too pessimistic but not too optimistic, either. I have faith, but I'm not naive. I'm tough on the outside and weak on the inside. It's a fine line to walk. I can't let Graden see me struggling, so I remain in the middle. We always talk about it with him so he's prepared, but we don't want to scare him... But, this time... This time, I walked in after two weeks of waiting patiently, confidently for the results, thinking that I knew we would be okay.

I didn't expect it to be gone or disappear magically. I didn't expect a miracle. I just wanted an improvement, and I didn't think that was too much to ask for...

Friday, though, Grado and I met with his Neurologist here (in FW), and as soon as she entered the room, sighed, and pushed her chair closer to me, I felt my positivity slap me in the face. For starters, she always comes straight into the room and acknowledges Graden. Friday, she did not. I've never heard her (or any doctor) sigh upon entering an appointment. Friday, she looked defeated and didn't work to hide it. And, she always stands or sits by Graden while she talks to me. Friday, she came close and looked straight into my eyes...

Immediately, I wished that Phil had come with us. He stayed at work, though, because he was feeling positive, too. We thought it would be a routine follow-up...

Instead, she began by telling me there are still concerns, which I assumed by her demeanor. She continued by saying she was concerned. I remember feeling like she took too much time to continue with her next statement, and I didn't know what to say, so I watched Graden play.

Finally, she began again, going through the results of the study.

It seems that Graden's Central Apnea has, in fact, improved; however, he is still having several "episodes" a night -- to the point that she described them as "dangerous."

No parent ever wants to hear that their child is having "dangerous" "episodes" during the night.

Additionally, he is hypoventilating and his carbon dioxide levels are off...

There was more, but it all blended together and will be addressed in the next few days and weeks.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I'll say it again: you can judge your level of worry by how quickly you are scheduled for your follow-ups and tests. Before Graden and I left her office Friday, we were told that we needed to be in tonight (Wednesday) to conduct yet another sleep study. Thus, my level of worry is high. Extremely high.

No parent ever wants their doctor to press the issue with urgency.

So, now, we go back and will - hopefully - find levels and pressures of oxygen that we can alter in his BiPAP machine to assist him during the night.

As if I wasn't already worried about him not waking up in the morning...


I've got a call into his seizure specialist at Riley -- our Neurologist (here) wanted us to touch base with her for input and a possible second opinion on other issues that may be influencing or are being influenced by his brain activity while sleeping.


So, yes, Momma went MIA and look what happened. I can be strong - I can. I will because I have to be. But, I surely won't be letting my blog go much longer without an update... I can't take it. I need it.

I'll be back with an update as soon as we get the next set of results.

Two Months of Worries.

I tried to post yesterday, but I couldn't find the words.

I started out quiet, moving through the necessary motions, smiling when needed, and faced my obligations with ease. In my office, three amazing ladies were able to see right through me and gradually got me talking. 

An hour later, I was feeling much, much better. 

Not better in an "allmyworriesaregone" way, but in an "Icandothis" way. 

Graden's surgery is in less than two months (yesterday was officially two months exactly). I can do this. I can make it through the next two months...

Do I have a choice? No, and I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I'm a mom before I am anything else. I can be a wife, a friend, a teacher, a writer -- so many things... but right now, Grado needs me first.

Yesterday, when I was talking with my coworkers, who have really become such good friends (thank you!), I mentioned one of the many struggles bothering me:

I can't show too much weakness, people will think I'm making it about me or that I truly can't hack the stress.

I can't be too strong, people will think I don't care as much as I should.

I can't be too optimistic... you know why.

I can't be too pessimistic. I just can't live every day like that.

Of course, you may ask why I care about what other people think, but I do. Always have. Always will. Don't we all a little bit, even if we say we don't? 

And, let me tell you, until you go through something that makes you question your every move, be careful to judge lightly. :) It's hard. Harder than I ever anticipated.

I want people to know that Graden is being taken care of by the best Mom for him. Am I the best? I don't know, but I do know that we work. Graden and I are a good fit -- a lot alike, which isn't always good, but we make it work. :)

Is he always happy, silly, funny, and patient? Um, no.

Am I always happy or patient? Hell no.

He is not perfect. I am not perfect. And, we're both okay with that. 

So, why do I feel like we need to be? 

Sounds so petty when I type it. But, this is my place to be honest, to share, to get through this, and to admit that I know better than to worry so much... 

But, damn it. It is hard.

I'm not sure what the next two months will bring, especially considering all the changes that have happened in the past two months. I do know, though, that I'm going to wrap up my classes, hang out with Graden, volunteer at Landen's school for end-of-the-year activities, and keep as busy as I can. I even have a new project up my sleeve (more info to come soon). 

So, as I posted Monday, the countdown has started...

Less than two months to go.