Two Months of Worries.

I tried to post yesterday, but I couldn't find the words.

I started out quiet, moving through the necessary motions, smiling when needed, and faced my obligations with ease. In my office, three amazing ladies were able to see right through me and gradually got me talking. 

An hour later, I was feeling much, much better. 

Not better in an "allmyworriesaregone" way, but in an "Icandothis" way. 

Graden's surgery is in less than two months (yesterday was officially two months exactly). I can do this. I can make it through the next two months...

Do I have a choice? No, and I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I'm a mom before I am anything else. I can be a wife, a friend, a teacher, a writer -- so many things... but right now, Grado needs me first.

Yesterday, when I was talking with my coworkers, who have really become such good friends (thank you!), I mentioned one of the many struggles bothering me:

I can't show too much weakness, people will think I'm making it about me or that I truly can't hack the stress.

I can't be too strong, people will think I don't care as much as I should.

I can't be too optimistic... you know why.

I can't be too pessimistic. I just can't live every day like that.

Of course, you may ask why I care about what other people think, but I do. Always have. Always will. Don't we all a little bit, even if we say we don't? 

And, let me tell you, until you go through something that makes you question your every move, be careful to judge lightly. :) It's hard. Harder than I ever anticipated.

I want people to know that Graden is being taken care of by the best Mom for him. Am I the best? I don't know, but I do know that we work. Graden and I are a good fit -- a lot alike, which isn't always good, but we make it work. :)

Is he always happy, silly, funny, and patient? Um, no.

Am I always happy or patient? Hell no.

He is not perfect. I am not perfect. And, we're both okay with that. 

So, why do I feel like we need to be? 

Sounds so petty when I type it. But, this is my place to be honest, to share, to get through this, and to admit that I know better than to worry so much... 

But, damn it. It is hard.

I'm not sure what the next two months will bring, especially considering all the changes that have happened in the past two months. I do know, though, that I'm going to wrap up my classes, hang out with Graden, volunteer at Landen's school for end-of-the-year activities, and keep as busy as I can. I even have a new project up my sleeve (more info to come soon). 

So, as I posted Monday, the countdown has started...

Less than two months to go.