Momma went MIA and couldn't take it...

My last post was on July 9th - almost two months ago, and, although I feel badly for leaving some of my readers "hanging," I must admit it felt good to drift away for a bit.

I went M.I.A. -- missing in action. Didn't know a mom could do that, did you? Well, this Momma didn't have much of a choice.

While blogging is still my favorite coping mechanism, I needed that break. After our last trip to Riley Hospital for Children in early July, I made a very conscious decision to enjoy the remaining weeks of summer, knowing fully well that as soon as the calendar flipped to August, my life would once again become chaotic.

So, I did. I enjoyed this past summers more than many of the previous. I played hard. We swam. We ran. We played baseball, built forts, watched movies - at home and in the theater! We stayed up late, laughed, and spent so much more time together than we had been able to during the school year. Even Phil was able to enjoy summer a bit more during July and into August.

It's not that I didn't want to update you about Graden, I did. I just couldn't bring myself to jinx his speedy, smooth, and strong recovery... Plus, we needed that time together. Time to just "live."

August came and went. Again, we gradually got busy as we prepared for school to start. Graden started Kindergarten without a hiccup. I struggled (and still do) leaving him. I know he's in great hands, but that doesn't always take away the feeling that I should be there with him (for him) in case something happens. Everyday, I remind myself that I'm close and that he is tough - in so many ways.

As I mentioned in my last post, we continued to "recover" and learn about Graden's restrictions. We had our follow-up appointments a few weeks ago; that is why I came back to blog...

I need this blog as much as I need the air that I breathe.

I can't explain that and I'm sure it sounds ridiculous, but I can't say I care. I just know that writing, explaining - however disorganized and chaotic my thoughts, and sharing helps me through these challenges. Being able to "get it out" allows me to be a better mom somehow. I'm telling you -- it does.

You  may have heard or read on Facebook that Graden's swallow study went great! The therapist spent all of fifteen minutes checking him and was so pleased to tell us he was "swallowing normally" that I cried when she smiled at me. It was the first time we went for a test and received an "all clear." I will never forget that feeling and hope that I will be able to experience it again someday.

Because of the success of that test, and because his recovery was so much easier than we had anticipated, we went to his sleep study with fewer worries than we had in the past. I honestly allowed myself to believe that this could be it - that he could have improved to the point of living differently. Living with fewer restrictions, fewer complications...

I can tell you that I had never allowed myself to feel so positively about a test. I try to be very borderline:  not too pessimistic but not too optimistic, either. I have faith, but I'm not naive. I'm tough on the outside and weak on the inside. It's a fine line to walk. I can't let Graden see me struggling, so I remain in the middle. We always talk about it with him so he's prepared, but we don't want to scare him... But, this time... This time, I walked in after two weeks of waiting patiently, confidently for the results, thinking that I knew we would be okay.

I didn't expect it to be gone or disappear magically. I didn't expect a miracle. I just wanted an improvement, and I didn't think that was too much to ask for...

Friday, though, Grado and I met with his Neurologist here (in FW), and as soon as she entered the room, sighed, and pushed her chair closer to me, I felt my positivity slap me in the face. For starters, she always comes straight into the room and acknowledges Graden. Friday, she did not. I've never heard her (or any doctor) sigh upon entering an appointment. Friday, she looked defeated and didn't work to hide it. And, she always stands or sits by Graden while she talks to me. Friday, she came close and looked straight into my eyes...

Immediately, I wished that Phil had come with us. He stayed at work, though, because he was feeling positive, too. We thought it would be a routine follow-up...

Instead, she began by telling me there are still concerns, which I assumed by her demeanor. She continued by saying she was concerned. I remember feeling like she took too much time to continue with her next statement, and I didn't know what to say, so I watched Graden play.

Finally, she began again, going through the results of the study.

It seems that Graden's Central Apnea has, in fact, improved; however, he is still having several "episodes" a night -- to the point that she described them as "dangerous."

No parent ever wants to hear that their child is having "dangerous" "episodes" during the night.

Additionally, he is hypoventilating and his carbon dioxide levels are off...

There was more, but it all blended together and will be addressed in the next few days and weeks.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I'll say it again: you can judge your level of worry by how quickly you are scheduled for your follow-ups and tests. Before Graden and I left her office Friday, we were told that we needed to be in tonight (Wednesday) to conduct yet another sleep study. Thus, my level of worry is high. Extremely high.

No parent ever wants their doctor to press the issue with urgency.

So, now, we go back and will - hopefully - find levels and pressures of oxygen that we can alter in his BiPAP machine to assist him during the night.

As if I wasn't already worried about him not waking up in the morning...


I've got a call into his seizure specialist at Riley -- our Neurologist (here) wanted us to touch base with her for input and a possible second opinion on other issues that may be influencing or are being influenced by his brain activity while sleeping.


So, yes, Momma went MIA and look what happened. I can be strong - I can. I will because I have to be. But, I surely won't be letting my blog go much longer without an update... I can't take it. I need it.

I'll be back with an update as soon as we get the next set of results.

Raising Money for Riley!

Riley Children's Hospital has become special to our lives. While we have only been a few times, we know our visits are about to become more frequent. 

During April, Landen's school, Shambaugh Elementary (a FWCS), will be collecting quarters to donate to Riley. From April 15th to April 19th, the students are even hosting a "Riley Spirit Week." 

I don't like to ask for money, but Riley helps so many people, including Graden. If you find you have a few extra quarters in your change jar, would you please consider sending them to Landen? He is really very determined to raise money for the "place that helps his brother." 

On a similar note, have you heard of Kate's Kart? They are an amazing group of people who provide books for children in the hospital. Each and every single time Graden has been in the hospital, he has had a visit from them. If you're looking for a way to help children, please consider looking in to Kate's Kart; they are always looking for books to add to their collection. 

A very sincere thank you! xox

The Next Step

Yesterday, we went to Riley's Children's Hospital and saw Dr. Ackerman from Goodman Campbell Brain and Spine. This was the appointment we have been waiting for during the last three months; once it finally came time to pack up and make the drive, I instantly felt nauseous.

The drive went well; Graden was happy as ever in the backseat with movies and Sprite. We played a few rounds of I-Spy and "Guess the Animal." We laughed as Grado would quote the movie he was watching or start a quick anecdote with "remember when we..." Those of you who know G know that means he's about to tell you something hilarious. :)

Upon arrival, we had to wait a bit to be seen, but we never complain. So many times I'm sure people had to wait because of us. And, as I became my usual anxious, fidgety self, I watched Graden with an increasing motherly-love. Isn't it odd how we are reminded of our love during the least opportune times?

Finally, we were called back to speak with our doctor. We knew this visit was to determine our next step based on concerns that have developed over the past eight months (from when we met Dr. Ackerman for the first time in August 2012), but more specifically since January. 

So, we went through the detailed results of the several tests Graden had during February and March, focusing specifically on the sleep study. We re-reviewed the MRI from our visit in January, and we began weighing our options. Gradually, I was becoming aware that she was leaning towards surgery as our next best option.

I think I went into Protector-Mode, with the help of some adrenaline, because I felt oddly numb to emotion and felt like I was researching options for what could have been anyone's son. Phil and I both asked questions, engaged in conversation, and agreed with our doctor, after a long appointment, that surgery was it. Brain surgery is our next step.

Will it fix him? Not necessarily.

Will the malformation go away? Not exactly.

Will it help? We hope so, but nothing is guaranteed.

So, why brain surgery? Well, because we at least have to try. Most concerning to the doctor are the issues involving breathing that are (most likely) caused by his Chiari Malformation. Additionally, Graden does have a diminished flow for cerebral fluid to and from his brain stem. At this point, because of their rapid development, we need to go through with the surgery as our best option to relieve some of the pressures and side effects in that area of his brain.

I realize this is a lot to read, to absorb, to understand, and to see... Graden does not "act" sick. In fact, he is "functional" - "normal" even... But, we see it. We know of his struggles. And, I promise you, they are there, and they are scary as hell. Watching your child have a seizure, stop breathing... even struggle to breathe is literally gut-wrenching. Heartbreaking. Frustrating. Sickening... I do not wish for any of you to see what we have seen with Graden.

What does the surgery entail? Well, this link: http://www.seattlechildrens.org/medical-conditions/chromosomal-genetic-conditions/chiari-malformation-treatment/ -- from Seattle Children's Hospital has the best description I could find of the surgery. Brace yourself. It isn't easy to read. (Here is another link that shows illustrations. It's more descriptive of adults, but the procedure itself is almost the same: http://www.mayfieldchiaricenter.com/chiari_surgery.php.

Obviously we have several concerns. But, we've looked in to this, we've reviewed our doctor and her abilities, we've researched, we've asked questions, we've debated, we've gotten more than one opinion... We know that it isn't a cure-all, a fix-it, or the end of his road, but we most certainly believe this is our best chance of helping him relieve some of these very serious health issues, primarily his breathing (central apnea) and flow of CSF (CerebroSpinal Fluid). Our hope is that this procedure drastically improves the issues caused by his Chiari.

Now, let me answer some of the most common questions we've been asked and respond to some of the most common responses:

1) This surgery has nothing to do with his other brain defect - the grey matter heterotopia, which causes the seizures and seizure activity. Dr. A did suggest, as did our Neurologist here in FW this past visit, that we may want to consult another Pediatric Neurologist at Riley that specializes in epileptic disorders and such issues as the seizure defect. We plan to do that soon.

2) We do not have a "percentage" of Graden's chances for success. It's based on each malformation, child, and other issues that may arise upon entering the brain. So, I suppose it's about 50/50. We do it and it works, or we do it and it doesn't work -- it can't hurt to try. Of course, there are risks involved with the surgery, but we, very carefully, weighed those risks to the risks Graden lives with daily without having tried the surgery, and again, we feel this is our best option.

So, surgery it is. We hope to have it scheduled in early June, as soon as Landen is out of school. We will be at Riley for the surgery, which lasts about 3 hours. Graden will be in recovery for about 5 days, as long as all goes well. During the 2nd week, Graden will be released, but he will still be recovering at home. After the first two weeks, and for the three months following surgery, activity for Graden will be limited.

As always, I will post details as I get them. I promise to continue to share our journey. So many people have reached out to me, us, Graden... It is beyond amazing. Your thoughts and prayers, more than ever, are so very appreciated. I try my best to think positive, but there are those days when worrying consumes me.

Today, though, I feel confident in our decision to pursue this procedure. I remind myself how far Graden has come and I find strength in witnessing his growth, his determination, and his care-free attitude towards doing what he needs to do to feel better. As usual, Grado teaches me how I should live life.

Thank you for reading this post today...

Control.

I did not mean to let three weeks pass before a post; my apologies.

Somehow, school (reading, writing, researching, grading...), laundry, organizing (cleaning, moving, unpacking), appointment-going, and flu-fighting (among many other things) stole me from you briefly.

Allow me to catch you up on our lives.

Our house, you ask? It's for sale. Still. Yes, I know... it's only been a few months. But, it's beginning (Who am I kidding? It did from the start) to drive me crazy. We just want it sold. No, we need it sold. No, you don't have to buy it, but I sure hope someone does. :)Soon. Our realtor - God love him - works hard; we are so lucky to have him!

The hubby, Landen, and I have all managed to be sick. Landen is doing much better since my last update and is currently enjoying his spring break. The hubby and I had a 24-hour flu, which was a nightmare. How is it that we manage to get the boys flu shots and forget about ourselves? Note to self for next year: get that flu shot!

Graden - knock on wood - has managed to stay healthy.

Since my last post on March 14th, though, G has had six doctor's appointments, some blood work, swallow therapy, a neuropyschology test, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something... all of these things followed the sleep study and the V-EEG. Tough kid. Stressed Mom.

We have been using the BiPAP machine, and it seems to be helping him sleep a bit better - although, there are still nights...

We haven't heard back from the bloodwork, which usually means it's okay. Maybe I'll call them today...

We received news from the Neuropsychologist yesterday. The good news is there are no concerns cognitively. (Duh. I knew he was smart.) :) 

The not-so-good news is that there are still concerns about his attention and impulse -- side effects from his brain defect, although the same could probably be said about me. Ha!

We will be meeting a therapist soon to work on "things." They seem hopeful that we can work on preparing him for the school setting... Can you believe my baby will be in Kindergarten in August and SIX YEARS OLD in November? Whew!

The biggest stressor has been the anticipation of Friday's appointment at Riley. We thought we sort of knew what to expect (how's that for confidence?), but so much has happened since our last visit -- three long months ago. Graden has had so many tests and new developments...

I'm just going to put it out there: We are worried. I am worried. Graden is... well, Graden isn't. He's his usual witty, energetic self. Thankfully. But, this time, that doesn't make it any easier.

I can't help feeling like I'm not doing enough. I want to handle it for Graden, carry the burden, the weight. I want to control it. To fix it.

But, I can't.

I hear myself making excuses. I try to be so patient, but I am not. I want answers. I try to explain what the doctors, nurses, and specialists say, what the tests results mean, but I can't. I can't stress the urgency in their voices to my family, my friends, Graden's friends. I hear myself downplaying, hoping with others, but I worry myself sick. Literally. He has obstacles, challenges. I see them. Every day, I see him struggle.

But, I can't fix it.

I try so hard to live "normally." I want him to play and just go about his childhood, and he does, but he's different. Every child is different (boy have I learned that!), and different is okay. Good, even. Graden, and his special-brain as we have all started calling it, is a "normal," ornery, little five-year-old who still gets in trouble for peeing on the toilet seat, sneaking a fruit snack, or not sharing with his brother. Honestly, those moments may drive me nuts, but I'm so grateful for them... they make us "normal." Right?

And, so, while I work through my own issues, I'll say this again (my fault, not yours) - I miss my friends, and I'm sorry I come and go. I will get better. I will. Thank you for continuing to ask me to do things even if I repeatedly cannot join you. Please know that there are just days, weeks that go by before I even realize that I haven't blogged, responded to an email or text, or called to make plans. Time is not something that has been on my side this past year.

Yet another thing I cannot control. :)

Today is one of those days...

While we've been on this journey, I've tried my best to stay positive, strong, supportive, and open. I'm realistic --  not too optimistic and not too pessimistic. I try to focus on making sure everyone else is okay, especially the boys.

 

There are days, though. There are days when I just feel like shit - to put it bluntly, honestly. There are days I want to just quit, pack up, and have it all disappear. There are days I'm selfish and ask why. There are days when I'm mad... then sad... then mad again. There are days when the "I know it could be worse" and "God doesn't give me more than I can handle" phrases don't cut it.

 

And, I'm not sorry to admit it...

 

Today is one of those days.

 

Today, I'm not "feeling it" -- It's been one call after another (yesterday and today), and I just don't want to do anything.

 

Friends, I'm sorry I've been MIA. Family, I'm sorry I'm grouchy. I hope you can forgive me and ignore me. I'll be fine tomorrow. Today, though, I'm done. I couldn't even get creative enough to blog, so I'm copying the email I sent to some of you earlier today.

 

Here it is:

 

Many of you know we were waiting for the results of the sleep study. We got a call from Graden’s Pulmonologist early this afternoon with the results. It wasn’t good; in fact, they said it was worse than they anticipated. Graden had several “episodes” throughout the night - they even saw other abnormalities than what they were looking for.

 

We are waiting for a call for a CPAP machine (continuous positive airway pressure);  it has a mask that he will have to wear every night while he sleeps due to the lapses in his breathing. The machine will help regulate his breathing and control the pressure in his breaths. (For more information on Central Sleep Apnea, click here.)

 

She did say this would be something he would have to deal with forever.

 

It could be a side effect from his malformation, but it is more likely that he has developed this because of all his respiratory issues/trauma.

 

After therapy, I called his doctor at Riley. The Neurosurgeon said she wants to keep our appointment April 5th to allow time for the remaining test results. Then, she can decide if surgery will help these side effects; however, she may be leaning away from surgery until we can get more information -- these issues may really be because of his respiratory trauma, in which case, surgery won’t be beneficial. At this point, the risks may outweigh the results...

 

More side effects from his Chiari Malformation are appearing and seem to be strengthening as his brain grows. We knew this would be the case, but it is proving to be more challenging than we expected.

 

Additionally, his swallow therapy has been extended through September; today, they told us they heard some improvements. One small step, but we will take it.

 

On another note, Graden will be having a 24-hour EEG next Tuesday at Lutheran; Graden’s Neurologist is concerned about the increase in seizure activity in his brain. We have seen this increase during other tests, but we will be able to specifically focus on this during the EEG. At this point, this is a serious concern... seizures and breathing concerns are a bad combination, especially considering the growth and changes Graden has experienced.

 

We know this can be difficult to read and imagine. Graden is our ornery, athletic comedian and we joke that you cannot tell he’s “sick,” but please know that just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I am thankful that I have always been the one to see these issues (seizures, etc.), but now, Phil and others are experiencing it as well. I certainly hope you don’t have to witness his “moments” and appreciate that you all continuously think of, pray for, and send love to our little man. As we continue this path, as scared as we are for Graden, he is still “living normally” and is happy as can be! Our wish is that through this all he is able to be happy, even if it means he won’t be “living normally.”

 

Love you.

 

The decision...

There comes a point in one's life...

Sounds like I'm starting a novel, doesn't it? Today, though, it is exactly how I need to start this blog post, because I (we) are most definitely at "that point" in our lives.

Let me begin by telling you how the past 24 hours have gone. Yesterday, Friday the 25th, we had our appointment at Riley's Children's Hospital in Indianapolis. We were going for an updated MRI and a "flow study," after which we would visit Graden's doctor for immediate results and "the next step."

We stayed with my sister and her family on Thursday night so we could wake up bright and early Friday morning. She lives in Noblesville, which is about 30 minutes away from Riley's. We had a great visit; I got to love on my newest, little nephew and play with my sweet niece. They are so fun! Graden loved playing before bedtime.

The day started out okay -- nice and easy. We arrived, registered, and got "prepped." The doctor doing the tests actually married a guy from Fort Wayne and went to Notre Dame; so, of course, Graden found her quite delightful.

After promising me she would take good care of Grado, it was time for him to be put asleep. I'm telling you -- it never gets easier. This was our third MRI; each time, immediately after receiving the anesthesia, his entire body goes limp. What was different about this one, though, was that he received a gas instead of a shot. He didn't mind it -- at first. Usually, the shot hits him before he realizes what's going on with his body. Yesterday, as the doctor warned him it might start to smell funny, he panicked and yelled, "Momma!" He reached out for me, and all I could do was half-hug him (he was covered and buried in tubes) and remind him, "Mommy's right here... You're okay..." All the while, I'm doing my best not to choke on my own tears.  I knew he was under when I actually felt his hug weaken, which about broke my heart. Again, the doctor promised she would take good care of him, and we had to leave the room... With him on the table, unaware of the test about to start.

I know he's tough. I know that he has great doctors. I know that it's all for a good reason. None of that makes it easier or better or any less of a "deal."

So, we waited... and waited. I brought homework to read; after reading a page and rereading it twice, I decided there was no way I was doing anything that would need my brain to concentrate. How could I? My son was on a table to check whether or not his spinal fluid had enough room to flow...

Eventually, a little later than we thought, the nurse came to get us, "Graden's parents?"

"YES! Right here!" as we hop up, we look at each other and share a quick glance that contains that moment of worry. In seconds, and without words, we wonder if he made it through okay. He has had trouble with anesthesia before, and, clearly, his medical history always poses challenges. As I type this now, I smile at the joy it brings me knowing that Phil and I can share thoughts without words. I'm so glad I don't have to go through this alone.

Turns out, Graden did great and was sitting up, waiting on us to join him in his recovery room. What a relief... I cannot even begin to explain.

After drinking some fluids and being watched, we're finally on our way to the other end of the hospital to visit the Neurosurgeon.

Again, I wait for it to get easier, but it doesn't. Waiting to hear the results about drove me crazy. Luckily, concentrating on Graden helps. And, again, we hear, "Graden's parents?"

Except, this time, a quiet "yes" barely escapes. As we go through the motions - height, weight, blood pressure - Graden smiles. He's tired, but he's pushing through. He is truly amazing.

We don't wait long. The doctor comes right in and jumps into the diagnosis. She's good like that... straight to the point, proactive, and positive -- all good attributes in a doctor if you ask me.

She goes on explaining and must have seen the questions in our eyes. So, she calls us to her office instead of the patient rooms. She pulls the tests up on her computer screen and walks us through it, explaining in detail what she saw and pointing out her concerns. She even calls the radiologist while we are in the room so we can hear her getting a second opinion - or a confirmation of hers. Either way, I liked it. No, I appreciated it. Apparently, the MRI didn't show much change. Then, we heard it:

"He has a slightly diminished path here."

Doesn't sound good to me, but she followed up quickly with it "not being the worse she's seen, but it isn't the best, either." Again, she sees the questions in our eyes; we go back to the patient room to sit down and discuss the next step.

You see, Graden's malformation has always measured "on the line." Because of this, we haven't had to do surgery. His current side effects have been minimal. However, with the recent changes in his health, we can't be certain they are all side effects from the malformation or from previous respiratory trauma. Since he is "on the fence," she doesn't want to jump to surgery... brain surgery! Again, she's straight to the point and proactive. We may be able to fix this side effect without surgery. (The side effects being his swallowing issues [have I mentioned these yet?], respiratory issues - coughing, pneumonia, etc.)

So, long story short (ha!), she is recommending swallow-therapy. Sounds interesting, and I'm really not sure what it entails. But, I'm on it. I've contacted a friend in the Speech Therapy/Pathology field that I trust very much, and she has agreed to help me get information.

The downfall? We have three months to see if we can correct or notice an improvement. We have a follow-up appointment April 5th at Riley's. At that point, if our follow-up swallow study doesn't show an improvement/change after therapy, surgery will, most likely, be the next step. And, despite my doctor's amazing track record and positivity, the surgery (BRAIN!) is not easy, nor does it cure all. There are still possibilities and side effects and risks and...!

So, you see, we're at that point when we had to make a decision. And, actually, we've made a few in the past 24 hours.

First, we're pursuing the speech/swallow therapy. I've got the ball rolling and will be working all week to get this started. We will put all our effort into doing what it takes to see if we can help Graden  before surgery.

Second, we're selling our house!

Sounds drastic and "all of a sudden" in this post, but, without going into too many details, the doctors' bills are piling up. We've been struggling for the past year, and this isn't the first day we've considered it. We've weighed our options, talked with our family members, and made the decision this morning. The realtor, another friend, is coming Wednesday to help us.

Yes, we have insurance. But, insurance doesn't cover what we need it to cover. Sure, it helps... but, as some of you know, medical expenses are expensive!

So, we will be moving "back home" with Phil's parents. They are amazing - those who know them know they are great, easy to live with, and certainly have the space for us. Thankfully, they are able to help us and know we are doing this for Graden.

Is it hard? Hell yes. Embarrassing that at 32 years old I'm moving to my in-laws? Yep. Do I know, though, that I have to make a decision that will allow me (us) to afford the best care for my child? Most definitely!

I'm sure many of you, especially those closest to us, are not surprised. Many of you have been there for us as we've struggled. Many of you have seen the piles of bills that come in the mail. Many of you know I don't make a ton of money -- and I couldn't have a "normal," higher paying job any way -- consider all the days I would have to take off! I'd get fired!

Regardless, this will be a challenge. Today, we cry. Tomorrow, we understand. A week from now, we may cry again. A year from now, though, we will know we did what we needed to do in order to help our family. And, Graden - our family - comes first.

I end with this...
A sincere thank you. I never stop being amazed by the prayers, thoughts, calls, messages, texts, emails -- all of it. I could never have imagined that so many people -- some close to me, some I don't even know, some I've known for years, others I  have just met -- would think of my son.

As I've said before, I know it could be worse, and I never forget that, but most days, I wouldn't change a thing. I have every single thing I need, and I'm reminded of that with every "Momma!" every message, every tough decision I have to make... So, yes, I'll miss our first home, but I know this is the "next step" for my family -- the right decision.

Thank you for helping remind me that my decisions are (typically) the right ones.

After The Break: I'm Back.

I could start by telling you every detail of the past several weeks, including how wonderful our holidays were, but I won't. Instead, I'll get straight to the point: We had the best Winter Break ever.

Not only did each of us make it through several weeks without being sick (minus some sniffles and sinus headaches), but we got to spend more time together in the past three weeks than we had in the past three months. And, no, I am not exaggerating.

Some of you know, this break came at the perfect time. I reached my limit last semester and almost gave up. I needed this break in more ways than one...


I'm sorry that I haven't blogged any updates, but to be honest, I stayed off the computer as much as possible. See, the boys think I "do homework" when I'm on the computer. So, I stayed away. I played all sorts of games, read books, watched movies, cleaned house, and reorganized closets, drawers, files... You name it. I'm sure that doesn't sound so fun to many, but surely a few of you can relate to my need to "reorganize" things. It makes me feel put back together and helped me relax over break, which is exactly what I needed. Well, that and time well-spent with the boys...

I don't mean the kind of time where we sit beside each other while each of us does our own thing. No, I mean the kind of time where we give each other our full attention. It was wonderful... Good for my soul... And priceless. Absolutely priceless.

So, now, as we get back in to the swing of our schedule, I am back, feeling stronger and more relaxed than I have in several months. I actually feel prepared again, like I did going into 2012. I feel like myself... Mom, teacher, writer. I even miss my friends and am working on making more of an effort. I'm Aunt, Daughter, Wife, Sister. I'm happy, that's what I am.

All because of some "me time" and time with the boys and hubby. Amazing what a little love can do.

Well, a little love and no work. :)

As far as appointments go, we are heading to Riley on Friday, January 25th for another MRI, test, and appointment -- all in the same day, so we should get results quickly. Keep your fingers crossed and send prayers and positive vibes to Graden. As always, it helps keep us (me) going.

Happy 2013!