The last day.

If you would have asked me last June if I would have thought that we would make it through the 2013-14 school year, I would have told you - without hesitation - "no way." 

But, we did. Successfully, I might add.

And, in four days, we will celebrate the year anniversary of Graden's surgery. I'll save those emotions and reflections for another post.

Today, though, on the last day of school, I look back in awe of how far Graden has come academically. He's always been social - a little rough and tough, but social, nonetheless. I reread my posts every now and then, but I vividly remember writing about how he struggled in school. He was zoning out, unable to control his seizure activity and side effects from medication. He was doing okay with his school work, but he was just short of falling behind grade level. And, I was so worried about trusting his care to someone else...

Now, he reads, writes, counts, works through math problems, uses the computer, communicates, and follows directions at or above grade level... he is ready for first grade, and I cannot explain the relief I feel while typing those words. His level of maturity (again, still a little rough and tough) has grown, and he is becoming so responsible, especially in regards to his health restrictions and his learning. This kid has been through so much, and his journey, despite being on calm waters right now, is not over. The best (and worst?) part of this year is that he has learned why his brain is special. And, he truly believes that it's his brain that makes him the way he is. Little does he know that it's actually his heart. 

Then, there's my Landen. My big-hearted, witty, independent, young man who continues to grow up and become wise beyond his years. Sure, he's still only 8 years old and has a lot to learn, but he has such a determination to accomplish so many goals. I love and admire that about him. 

This, too, has been a learning year for him. He's been so helpful and protective of his little brother, he's had serious discussions with Phil and me about budgets (stemming back from why we sold our old house), and he's worked hard to remain on the honor roll while being a dedicated athlete. Plus, he knows it makes me happy that he loves to read, write, and draw... his notes to me are some of the best gifts I receive.

Just last month, he watched me graduate and wrote me this: "to my osum mom. happy grajooading day." (I love that he spells phonetically!) He drew a picture of me in my cap and tassel and folded it up into a secret note. I realized right then that all my complaining about school and struggles with managing my time as a mom, student, and teacher was completely worth it for my boys to see that the hard work paid off. (Now, if I can just remind them to go to college right after high school...) 

My boys are my life. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind. I watch them turning into their dad (with a little bit of their mom's attitude), and I couldn't be more grateful. Seeing them love, laugh, work and play hard... it reminds me why I fell in love with my Pheel. 

So, today, they left me, happy as two, ornery little boys should be, to have fun on their last day as a kindergartner and second grader so they could come home as a first grader and third grader. And, at first I thought something was wrong with me, because I am not sad about this - about them growing up. But, then I realized that this was such an important year in their lives that I could not be sad. I have to be grateful. Happy. Proud. A little excited, even, because I cannot wait to see what they accomplish next year.

First, though, we will enjoy the summer!

The boys on their first day of school (2013).

The boys on their last day of school (2014).

"What if they don't like me?"

We've all wondered this before...

A new school. New neighbors. A new job. A new team. A new church. At the park, pool, or playground. In an interview. Meeting the in-laws. Any new environment...

"What if they don't like me?" Graden asked.

"Who?" was my immediate reply.

"You know. The kids at my new school. What if they don't like me?" Graden was so serious. He's never serious.

"Honey, of course they will like you. Everyone likes you. You're funny and smart and nice." I couldn't grasp where this was coming from, because he is very much all of those things and more. Honestly, people have always been drawn to Grado. Who couldn't like him?

He seemed to be contemplating my quick, concise answer. So, I pressed him a bit. "Why would you think they wouldn't like you?"

"Because I have a special brain."  BAM! Just like that - I felt as if I had been punched in my stomach. Trying hard to fight back tears and quickly be clever, I spat out: "That just means they'll like you more."

I'm not sure that was a good answer, but it's what came out. He smiled, nodded, and seemed to agree.

He was quiet the rest of the drive home and didn't bring it up again...

But, I couldn't get his question out of my mind.

I've been in school as a student and a teacher; I've worked with kids of all ages both professionally and socially. Not all kids are nice. I'm not going to go into why they aren't -- that's an entirely different blog post. Please note that I do not blame the kids.

The problem is that when someone asks him why he's different, struggling, missing school, falling behind, or behaving differently, he's going to have to answer honestly and tell them he is different. And, while I think that's okay, his "friends" may not understand. Even if they are okay with his differences, their reactions and questions could be enough to upset him.

Now, I'm not asking him to hide anything. I'm not even asking you to tell your children not to ask him about the big scary scar on the back of his head. I'm asking parents to remind their kids that each of us is different, and different is okay - good even. In fact, I encourage Grado to tell others about his health. It's never been a secret in our house (clearly - check out my blog) and I want him to know that there's no shame in being different or overcoming obstacles - of any kind.

As a mother, though, I'm tense. I, too, worry about whether or not they will like him. I can't tell him that, and I know I shouldn't be, but don't we all want our kids to be liked? To be the nice ones? To appreciate the differences in others and stand up for each other? Of course we do. And, we can teach them how to do these things, but feelings can still be hurt - unintentionally. I won't be mad at others; I will be sad for Grado.

As my last baby enters school, I have to realize that Momma can't fix everything.

The best thing about Graden's medical history and surgery (yes, something good has come of this) is that he (and we) realizes that he could be worse. At 5 years old, Grado appreciates that he can walk and talk; he has met kids (and adults) who cannot. As his Momma, I appreciate him every single day. Literally.

I don't not know if the kids will truly like him. I bet they will; he is pretty great.
But... If they don't, I hope he understands it's their loss and nothing that he - or his special brain - did.

Control.

I did not mean to let three weeks pass before a post; my apologies.

Somehow, school (reading, writing, researching, grading...), laundry, organizing (cleaning, moving, unpacking), appointment-going, and flu-fighting (among many other things) stole me from you briefly.

Allow me to catch you up on our lives.

Our house, you ask? It's for sale. Still. Yes, I know... it's only been a few months. But, it's beginning (Who am I kidding? It did from the start) to drive me crazy. We just want it sold. No, we need it sold. No, you don't have to buy it, but I sure hope someone does. :)Soon. Our realtor - God love him - works hard; we are so lucky to have him!

The hubby, Landen, and I have all managed to be sick. Landen is doing much better since my last update and is currently enjoying his spring break. The hubby and I had a 24-hour flu, which was a nightmare. How is it that we manage to get the boys flu shots and forget about ourselves? Note to self for next year: get that flu shot!

Graden - knock on wood - has managed to stay healthy.

Since my last post on March 14th, though, G has had six doctor's appointments, some blood work, swallow therapy, a neuropyschology test, and I'm sure I'm forgetting something... all of these things followed the sleep study and the V-EEG. Tough kid. Stressed Mom.

We have been using the BiPAP machine, and it seems to be helping him sleep a bit better - although, there are still nights...

We haven't heard back from the bloodwork, which usually means it's okay. Maybe I'll call them today...

We received news from the Neuropsychologist yesterday. The good news is there are no concerns cognitively. (Duh. I knew he was smart.) :) 

The not-so-good news is that there are still concerns about his attention and impulse -- side effects from his brain defect, although the same could probably be said about me. Ha!

We will be meeting a therapist soon to work on "things." They seem hopeful that we can work on preparing him for the school setting... Can you believe my baby will be in Kindergarten in August and SIX YEARS OLD in November? Whew!

The biggest stressor has been the anticipation of Friday's appointment at Riley. We thought we sort of knew what to expect (how's that for confidence?), but so much has happened since our last visit -- three long months ago. Graden has had so many tests and new developments...

I'm just going to put it out there: We are worried. I am worried. Graden is... well, Graden isn't. He's his usual witty, energetic self. Thankfully. But, this time, that doesn't make it any easier.

I can't help feeling like I'm not doing enough. I want to handle it for Graden, carry the burden, the weight. I want to control it. To fix it.

But, I can't.

I hear myself making excuses. I try to be so patient, but I am not. I want answers. I try to explain what the doctors, nurses, and specialists say, what the tests results mean, but I can't. I can't stress the urgency in their voices to my family, my friends, Graden's friends. I hear myself downplaying, hoping with others, but I worry myself sick. Literally. He has obstacles, challenges. I see them. Every day, I see him struggle.

But, I can't fix it.

I try so hard to live "normally." I want him to play and just go about his childhood, and he does, but he's different. Every child is different (boy have I learned that!), and different is okay. Good, even. Graden, and his special-brain as we have all started calling it, is a "normal," ornery, little five-year-old who still gets in trouble for peeing on the toilet seat, sneaking a fruit snack, or not sharing with his brother. Honestly, those moments may drive me nuts, but I'm so grateful for them... they make us "normal." Right?

And, so, while I work through my own issues, I'll say this again (my fault, not yours) - I miss my friends, and I'm sorry I come and go. I will get better. I will. Thank you for continuing to ask me to do things even if I repeatedly cannot join you. Please know that there are just days, weeks that go by before I even realize that I haven't blogged, responded to an email or text, or called to make plans. Time is not something that has been on my side this past year.

Yet another thing I cannot control. :)