Never and Forever

For the first time since his surgery, Graden finally asked a question I did not want to answer.

"When is my scar going to be gone?"

I turned to look at Phil, who looked back at me with the same surprise I felt.

"It's not going to be gone, honey. It will be there forever. It's what makes your brain special, remember?"

"Oh yea." He waited a minute, nodded, and whispered "Okay."

He didn't seem to distraught by our answer, but I knew he was thinking about what forever actually meant. He was disappointed, and it hurt my heart.

We had been talking about sports with Landen. It's his busy season as we move from baseball to football, and Graden decided that he really wanted to play football, too. So, he asked, "When does little kid football start?" We didn't consider where he was going with his question, because we thought he understood that he wouldn't be playing.

We told him football would be starting after baseball just like soccer and other fall sports. So, he asked if he could get signed up, and I answered him, a bit too quickly, "no, no football because of your head." Thus, his question about the scar.

I hated to tell him "no way" and "never," but it's true. He will never play football.

There are a few things he may never do, and that's okay...

It sounds so silly to be upset that your child will never be able to play a sport, and, my love for football aside, it is upsetting to tell your child there are just some things they cannot do. Well, could he? Sure. But, he shouldn't.

We've talked several times about how his brain makes him special, and I've even blogged before about how Graden's health issues still allow him to be active and communicate... two things I am thankful for every single day. Literally. Everyday, I wake up and know I am lucky to have a son with so many health concerns that can physically move and use his words to tell me what's wrong. I never take those abilities for granted. Never.

Still, though, I always thought I would be the parent who would say, "Oh, sure! You can be anything you want. Do anything you want! Go wherever you want. Travel. Learn. Explore. Play. Make memories and gain experiences."

And, I do say all that, but it's been revised. Edited. Rewritten.

I have to protect my boys while encouraging them to learn, experience, stumble and get back up. But, I cannot allow them to do things that could make the difference between life and death.

The worst part of that is that I know, fully well, that anytime they leave my house, yes even at 6 and 8 years old, it could be their last time. Any day anything can happen. In fact, I've seen that a lot this past week in the lives of people around me...

Now, I don't think these awful thoughts every single time they leave or go play outside... that's no way to live. But, it has crossed my mind on more than on occasion, and I have to be realistic, which in my case is a mixture of optimism and pessimism. (Hope for the best; plan for the worst? Or something like that.) While we have so many great days, we've also lived through many terrible days, and I cannot put him (them) in situations that are harmful. Yes, I know I won't always be able to prevent those situations, but right now, I have some control, and, as their Momma, I need that control. So, never football. Forever.

But... It's just football, though. Right?

Yes, I know. And, again, I know it sounds silly. Here I am feeling bad about not allowing him to go play football when there are so many larger issues in his life. And, Graden, well, he will get over it. He's already moved on... and he does love basketball, so we will stick with that for awhile (although it can be pretty rough, too; you're watching the playoffs, right?).

My point today? I'm not entirely sure, but I know that it's hard to tell your kids they can't do something, I needed to get it off my chest, and I also know that never and forever are very strong, serious words... even for a grown-up.